BitterSweetness

Okie Doke Then...

2006-12-02T15:53:00.000-06:00

Me and pseudo-boo are back on good terms...

But believe it or not, my life does not revolve around him, or any other semblance of a love life.

I have friends that worry.. but since I'm not "trying" to find a man, I guess I'm saving my worrying for later.

I'm sitting here in a library, trying to figure things out. I'm not getting very far.

Thoughts & Observations of the week...

-Britney is pure entertainment at this point.
-Tony is too young for Eva.
-This cycle of ANTM might be as wack as Naima's...
-Racism had to be the hot-word of the week. I kind of think that it's learned - alienation/prejudice. If we were to erase everyone's memories and start every one fresh, we may just all get along....
-I am not well versed..at all.. in politics. And I can't figure out if I really care to be.
-My Kingdom Come CD is scratched. F-CK. I bought the first one... I'mma have to burn the next one.
-Ugly Betty has maybe become a mainstay....

Random Reflections

2006-11-27T18:08:00.000-06:00

All a girl really wants to know is whether her ex(boyfriend/lover) still finds her attractive....

found out the answer is yes. (yes!)

I had a great Saturday. Got picked up, went to Waffle House (simple pleasures, people) and went to Atlantic Station. Found a bench and sat. Sat for hours. Don't know how time passed, but it clearly did for the sun moved across the sky. There were plenty of things to talk about.. or should I say people to talk about. For some reason this big Christmas tree was the big attraction. Everyone had to take pictures in front of it. Yet, no one was taking pictures of the tree itself in its enormisity (made up word? very likely). Then he was nice enough to give me a ride to the airport. Lovely.

I love reconnecting with the old. I don't know why. It's like I never have enough closure. Or I like to see if there's still something there.

December is upon us. Are you ready to say goodbye to 2006? I think it will be just a bit depressing. I really have nothing to look forward to. It's hard to get excited for nothing, ya know?

My next distraction is New Years. I don't want it to be a distraction but it will be, because what else is going on?

I just don't know how I feel about 2007. I'll be 24. Maybe not feeling anything is a good thing. Or maybe I should push to really make resolutions/change. But I've given up on change. I guess I believe people stay the same. Or maybe it's just situations that stay the same.

I miss all the old blogs. Whatever happened to old girl at Hampton? Did she find a job? Is Book-A-Broad-A-Day still getting numbers?

Saturday Night Vent

2006-11-18T22:43:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my psuedo-boo's birthday... psuedo because he's only my boo in theory .. and in my mind I guess.

I sent a card. I love sending birthday cards because it just seems so thoughtful.

Anyways, his birthday was yesterday. I called in the afternoon.. no answer.. just left a text to have him call me. So as I go about the rest of my day, I realize I haven't gotten a call back. I give a last ditch effort to speak to him on his birthday and call him at 11:45 pm (on his time zone). No answer, so I have to leave a message.

And today, no call.

Now usually when it goes down like this, it's usually been some drama with his phone.. he's lost it, he's broken it, etc. And I understand, he's probably busy, maybe his homey's in town, showing him a good time. Maybe some family drama.

I just wish I could have spoke with him on his birthday and shared some birthday joy. :(

This whole psuedo-relationship has gotten boring. I need to give it up. It's kind of at that stage.. although we're not officially dating and/or "talking," it still kind of seems a waste to keep this up if it never gets to a committment stage. I think the thinking is that if I let him go a little bit, if he likes me enough he'll maybe wake up and pursue harder. Does this ever happen in real life?

Up until this point I've been okay, not really feeling an overpowering need to have a man and/or love in my life. But I think the holidays and wintertime is having that effect on me.. how nice it'd be to have someone really special in my life. But I don't just want someone.. I want something really committed, and I want like a real live man. Someone who's all man. Someone who can sport a suit and just come off so sexy. Yes. That'd be nice.

I thought I was working toward psuedo-boo being that man. Now I must find someone else to fulfull that fantasy.

Mondays Rejuvenated (a bit)

2006-11-16T17:23:00.000-06:00

For a few years there my Mondays were all about Girlfriends. Somehow, someway, I had found my way to this lovely show and it became a staple. Undoubtedly, Mondays were a Black People Night your UPN, but I really only would tune it for this show and maybe follow up with Half & Half.

That is, until last year, when Girlfriends jumped the shark. It just got boring and unbelieavable. The big turn off for me was Lynn having the lesbain girlfriend. Stupid!

So for awhile there, there just wasn't any Monday TV for me. Then I discovered How I Met Your Mother.

It's like the Friends of the next generation.. but maybe funnier? The last two eps I've seen have been friggin hilarious. I never would have thought I would watch a show on CBS, but shoot, it had Alyson Hannigan so I thought I'd give it a try. Now I find myself tuning in at seven for HIMYM, staying at seven-thirty for The Class, a quick switch at eight for Girlfriends (cause I just don't see how Two and a Half Men are a top-20 show), and then back to CBS for The New Adventures of Old Christine (and yes, this one is pretty funny too). So anyways.. I do Mondays with CBS. Surprise, surprise.

The End of an Era

2006-11-14T17:56:00.000-06:00

I just sent to a bunch of people I know telling them I have "officially" changed my email address. Over the past year, I've been bouncing around.. I have two AOL emails, one yahoo, and then I use my work email since I can't log on to neither AOL nor Yahoo at work.. (lol, don't ya love it?).

So last week I signed up for gmail, to check it out. Most importantly, the email had to be accessible by my phone applications. Luckily, gmail has the perfect application - so insted of actually logging on the the Sprint Web, I just run an application.

I knew I would keep gmail the minute I signed up. But I hesitated spreading the word.

I've had my AOL email (and IM name) for years now. I want to say seven. And before that I had a different email.. we've been with AOL I want to say since '95/'96. Me giving up my beloved email moniker.. it's like the end of an era. Although the name will live on on AIM, it's still a little sad... and I kinda do hope someone keeps emailing me there.

(insert tear drop).

Another Day Another Dollar

2006-11-09T18:17:00.000-06:00

Get up.
shower.
turn on tv [Saved by the Bell, The Today Show].
lotion.
iron.
brush teeth.
do face.
do hair.
get dressed.
find keys.
say goodbye.
commute [Steve Harvey, Tom Joyner, Skip Murphy].
get to desk.
start work.
go to cafeteria for breakfast.
back to work.
slack off.
back to work.
lunch.
slack off.
back to work.
commute.
library/shopping/
home.
change clothes.
turn on tv [variety].
clean kitchen.
watch tv [variety..eventually Sex & the City, Scrubs, L&O].
do face.
brush teeth.
do hair.
get on internet.
if lucky pillow talk.
sleep.

pretty much

this can't be life...

Ham, Eggs, Red Lipstick

2006-11-06T18:00:00.000-06:00

It's been a long time. I feel like I really want to blog. Maybe I'll be more committed.. maybe not.

Grey's Anatomy had an interesting metaphor about committment last week... are you the Ham or the Eggs? The Pig or the Chicken? Are you Committed, or just Involved?

Now the whole ham/eggs, pig/chicken thing.. it really doesn't make that much sense. It's one of those things you just take at face value and let it make sense. It partly doesn't make sense because I, for one, have never had ham and eggs for breakfast. I also cannot say ham and eggs without wanting to say "green eggs and ham. Sam I Am," and all that good stuff. See, a good breakfast for me is french toast, bacon (pork!) and fruit. Pancakes, eggos, or biscuits can substitute the french toast, but there simply must be some bacon and possibly some fruit to make me feel nutritious.

I think the ham/egg thing means is that the ham is committed to the meal, for the meat is really the basis of the meal. The egg can come and go as it pleases and can be easily substituted for bacon, sausage or has browns (if you're into that kind of thing).

This relationship I'm in.. I think we are both eggs. I don't know what it will take to be committed. The truth is, he's looking for a wife. I'd love to be wifed up, but I don't know if I'm in lust with him like that.. and trust, I'm going to be totally lusted & blown with someone if I'm willing to contemplate the "maybe he's the one." I can't help but wonder, where would we be if we lived in the same city? Maybe the relationship would have come and gone already.

But then again maybe this is a different relationship, and that's why it can be good and get to that point. If anything, it's a very solid friendship. However I just don't know if the friendship would even exist without the "maybe."

I'm definitely the eggs when it comes to everything else in life - my city, my job. I feel like I just need to add some ham, sausage, and cheese to it - become a substantial meal to become committed.

I'm distracting.. again. The holidays are a good use for distraction. So much planning to be done (not). Trips to prepare for (cause any trip needs new outfits). Gifts to buy (not that I bought gifts any other year.. but this year I have some money so maybe I'll give it a try). They say don't worry about the future, worry about the present. But my present is unchanged. And my future is all blurry. I don't even think Lasik could help. I just feel so undefined. And let's not forget unmotivated. Unrewarded. Un-understood.

Why I Wore Red Lipstick to My Mastectomy. It was such a good, solid movie. Lifetime. Check it out. I usually just "forget" to give my self-breast exam, but yesterday I actually did it. I just hope that if the time ever comes around, I can be as brave as she was. And oh yeah, she didn't die! I told ya it was a good movie...

Distraction

2006-10-15T22:03:00.001-05:00

I've realized one of my favorite avenues of procrastination and avoidance is Distraction. I will find something to be distracted by, whether it is work, trips, shopping, perhaps even this blog.

The fact of the matter is that the distraction is bad, but it gets me through. And isn't this what life is about - survival?

On the flip side, I did just read a good quote. It basically said that those who seek happiness through finding the meaning of life will never be happy.

I can feel a little adult in acknowledging that my problems will still be there when I have no more distractions. And let's just say, I plan on making Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all very consuming distractions.

Distraction

2006-10-15T22:03:00.000-05:00

I've realized one of my favorite avenues of procrastination and avoidance is Distraction. I will find something to be distracted by, whether it is work, trips, shopping, perhaps even this blog.

The fact of the matter is that the distraction is bad, but it gets me through. And isn't this what life is about - survival?

On the flip side, I did just read a good quote. It basically said that those who seek happiness through finding the meaning of life will never be happy.

Good Night and Good Luck

2006-09-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

Tonight I am saying goodbye to an era that defined a generation.

A thing that slowly crept into our lives.. and will soon practically be a figment of our imaginations.

The UPN and WB.

I was kid that grew up on TV. I proudly would check on my standardized tests that I watched 20+ hours of TV.. and would damn sure rank in at least the 90th percentile! I like to say that TV taught me everything… what was cool, how to cuss, sex. The essentials.

For many years, the UPN )(and sometimes WB) represented Black TV – whether we liked it or not. Homeboys in Outerspace anyone? The Wayan’s Bro. Show (We’re colored.. we’re happy and we’re single and we’vre brothers.. give me High Five!). Townsend’s show. LL Cool J’s show. Steve Harvey (RIP Romeo) Then finally Girlfriends (finally, quality!). America’s Next Top Model. Veronica Mars.

I actually remembered when the WB premiered. Had that crazy frog as a spokesman. I am forgetting the names of shows, but I used to indulge in that one Married W/ Children like show, with the rabbit puppet in the basement and.. Oh my gosh.. was that the dude from Entourage in that show? And the chick from Las Vegas - Nikki Cox. The WB started off pretty bad.. but I do remember a few standouts that were cancelled before their times (Grosse Point).

Tonight I am commemorating our loss by engaging in the WB’s presentation of “Favorites & Farewells.” First off was Felicity. Classic! Loved both theme songs… in high school, this show gave me a peek at college. And for the most part, it shows a character just as neurotic as we females are…

Dawson’s Creek. This show was the most popular thing out when it first premiered. At my high school, we were obsessed (with Ricky Martin as well). 90210 for us. The Sarah MacLaughlin theme song…. We didn’t want to wait! Plus it was filmed in Wilmington, NC.. NC represent! The show definitely fell off after a few seasons – especially when they went to college. But the drama of the first season.. superb.. it is a series that will always live in my heart and define and time long gone for me. My favorite scene has to be Joey singing in the pageant the Les Miserables song.

And then perhaps the two series I have to be a lil embarrassed to talk about. Why? Because one fateful day, my sister convinced me to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I had seen the movie, was not impressed, thus had no inclination to watch it… Little did I know it would become a 6-year love affair.

Buffy (and thus Angel) was a show that truly bonded me and my sister. Every Tuesday, in the family room on the Hitachi.. that was where it was at. Buffy was smart, funny, drama and action.. a true conglomerate of what good TV was about. The themes, when analyzed, were deep.. we’re talking about tragic loves, good vs. evil, heaven and hell, depression, changing friendship roles, life and death, rolling with the punches, the natural growth of life… all the challenges you may face between the ages of 15 and 25 were covered in the series. Most either love it or hate it.. most hate it.. but for those of us true fans.. we know the true deal.

And so it is with a heavy heart that we must say goodbye to the UPN and the WB and welcome a network that has actually brought 7th Heaven back to life. I’m going to suggest you check out the following: Black Sundays (Everybody Hates Chris, Girlfriends – but I’ll forgive ya for not watching since it jumped the shark last year), Veronica Mars Tuesdays (Please this show is what’s up!! Give it just one hour…), and ANTM Wednesday (Fierce!). Good luck...

Ready or Not

2006-09-10T21:54:00.000-05:00

a la Fugees...

It's generally assumed in our society that if you are single, you must be hoping, wishing, wanting a signficant other. Someone to snuggle with, someone to laugh with, someone to grow with. When you get a certain age, people are sure to wonder "Why doesn't she have a man? Why isn't she married?" It's like if you are not with someone you are that lone, liftless left sock; basically, you're useless.

I'm 23. At age 16, I fully expected myself at this age to be engaged or married - either way, attached to someone. Don't laugh; I thought 23 was damn grown.

Now I honestly wonder if I could ever be in love. I had some-kind-love in high school; at the time I knew it was love; now I just don't know.

I've had some great infatuations, lusts, and maybe-this-could-be-oh-i-hope-we-could-be-in-loves. But maybe all those times I was just fooling myself. Perhaps I haven't even scratched the surface of love?

I wonder what I would be like in Love. At its best, you become your best person when it it. I really like to think I'll fall head-over-heels in Love with someone at first sight. Then - of course - bag him, and be so in Love, Infatuated, and Lusted with him that I'll never have a wandering eye, and most important - never doubt my feelings.

But a lot of times, people "grow" into love. Friendships become Love. I definitely get the benfits of it... but wouldn't you doubt that Love? And that's the thing, I wouldn't want to doubt...

Thus, at this point, I really don't know if I'm ready for Love... don't even know if I want it. I've been without it for so long...

Sept 5th

2006-09-04T21:57:00.000-05:00

My highlight of the week will be B-Day. Hopefully it won't be a disappointment.

Retroactive Reflection

2006-09-04T00:54:00.000-05:00

10 years ago... eigth grade was a good year. I was SGA Treasurer. My best friend was president. And although I wasn't the most well-adjusted middle-schooler, I think I was in a comfortable spot. Seventh grade sucked, but eight grade was the bomb.

5 years ago... I was beginning my adult life. I was adjusting to dorm life and Atlanta. I was tentatively finding out what "men of morehouse" were about. One of the most memorable days was getting bussed down to Fort Valley, coming home with stories only to find out Aaliyah had died. The dude I was talking to was an avid Aaliyah fan, and the Aaliyah CD played non-stop for me that summer. It was a weird feeling. Then 3 weeks later.. September 11th. A month or so later.. the girl has the baby in the bathroom. Later that semester... a person down the hall tries to stab another person. Now that I think about it, what a freakin crazy way to start a college matriculation!

1 year ago... I was really finding out about adult life. My community was in pain. A pain I still feel today. I remember being shocked, angry, and feeling helpless. The whole Katrina situation just struck a cord with me, somewhere deep in my core. It was depressing on top of depressing. And the thing is that I have no close friends from there, but I just sit wanting to reach out to the few I do. But I'm not close to them, so I never got to hear the hurt they must have felt.

5 hours ago.. I was eating dinner, looking forward to going out.

1 hour ago... I arrived back home from a wasted night. and I looked fucking cute. Fucking Dallas. Fucking Texans. Get me out of here.

Random Saturday Blog

2006-08-26T16:10:00.000-05:00

I wish I could blog more often... I wish I could take all of my random thoughts and make this blog worthwhile... I wish I could just sit and write something brilliant..and I really wish I had the guts to blog at work! But I slack enough...

I love that some of us love our alma maters. That they think their alma maters are God' s gift to the world. But I wish that people would also just realize these places are not the best for everyone, and ... dare I say it, not the best, period! I guess I just don't fully comprehend the "pride" thing, cuz clearly that's not a quality of mine.

I wish I could skip forward; no, go back and start over. I wish things were accessible; grasp-able (okay I think I made up that word); within reach.

I wish the day, the day you went away, never would've happened my baby (Robyn, I Wish accapella, download it)

So last night I hung out with a boy - a young boy - and his friends.. I could just say all of them were white, but one friend was Persian, one was white, and my friend.. c'mon ya'll know me, he was black. We went out to Lower Greenville.. I guess cause that's what white folks do... he bought drinks (cool), and he was touchy-feely (not cool), even after I told him I am NOT a touchy-feely person. Is this part of your game? Touch me and I'm yours? At the end of the night, his friends (just in town for the weekend) were off on an adventure to fuck some fat girls. I guess that's how white folks get down...
(I kind of hated the way they called them fat. Like the problem was that they were overweight. The problem was that they were ugly.. okay I won't be mean.. not cute. But c'mon, lets be clear about the problem here).

My friend in Atlanta.. what to do, what to do. Like, it has potential. But because it's been this long-distance thing, and we've only serious logged about.. hmm... 9 hours total of actually face-to-face time (7 of those within party settings), the whole thing has just never progressed. I love him as a friend, but dream of him as something more, but not that encompassing dream-crush type thing.. just a fleeing thought some days, something on the backburner. I guess that's the way like goes post-college. Or maybe I've actually learned from the past... stop dreaming.

I think I quite dreaming in high school. Dys-is-fucked-up-functional families will do that to you. Reality comes crashing in. Your parents are not exactly who you thought. It's like as you grow up and your mind develops and you learn new words, you are able to better perceive the qualities of your parents.

Life is not so, so bad. But I need it to come up. I need to come up. I don't like learning one little thing at a time, but life is working out that way.

What About Your Friends

2006-08-15T12:13:00.000-05:00

It was either that title or "Friends, How many of us have them?" Classic cuts about the people that bind us to the rest of the world. I love those songs. Really, where would we be without our friends? Brainwashed by our parents I guess.
I love connecting to people; learning their deepest thoughts & motivations. The sane & crazy parts of them. Those I deem my close friends are my close friends because I feel like we have cultivated a strong connection.

I must acknowledge that we all have different identities with each of our friends; much in the same way we have different friends for different reasons. In a way the distance heightens these differences. Some friends are great for just cuttin up; others are perfect for deep philosophical nonsense. There are friends that I can tell everything (well.. Almost everything. As much of the truth as I can bear!) about my sex life to; to others, it's never mentioned. Yet, I consider each and every one of them close personal friends.

Over the last few months I've had the chance to spend time with these friends I hadn't really had quality time with since graduation. Phone calls, email & facebook - it's just not the same. And I absolutely loved seeing my friends. It can be hard when the closest person who knows anything about LATEX, Club Gate & the stoop are 12 hours away.

BUT, Maybe before I was lying to myself. Or now I am being more honest with myself. There were times on all my trips I wondered, "Why am I friends with this person?" And what's crazy - I am literally discovering this as I type - that there was a common theme that made me ask that question. It was the emergence of selfishness. For some reason I am friends with folk that like to talk about themselves. I don't mind that (most of the time). What bothers me is that they don't ask, "And you?" I'm a person who asks thought-provoking (okay maybe a bit meddling) questions. Above all, you cannot say I do not act interested in getting to know the person in the skin. Some of my friends used to practice this as well; it just seems that maybe they forgot how to over the past year. Either that, or my pessimistic self tells me that they just don't care. But how could you not care? Aren't we friends in the most literal and defining sense of the word?

Friendships, like all relationships, are about a connection - the good times, the warm fuzzies. I went on all these trips in part to prolong and strengthen relationships. I was in dire need of warm fuzzies; like a Sim low on social points. It sucks when you don't know when you'll get warm fuzzies again.

It's Me & U

2006-07-20T21:53:00.000-05:00

Yeah.
I've been waiting.
Think I'm gonna make a move now.

I don't care if she can't really sing.
That's my jam.
& I want the ringtone.

What I really want to know.. is when are we going to get to hear Danity Kane?

Quarter Life Funk

2006-07-18T17:02:00.000-05:00

I'm in it. Deep. I even decided to do a little studying of it.. there were a whole two books in the library on the QuarterLife Crisis, both by the same woman. The most recent is probably the most helpful - Conquering Your QuarterLife Crisis. It full of stories & advice from "real" people around the nation, and covers all the issues - Work, Life, Play. The cynic in me wonders if any of the folks interviewed were a minority, let alone black. Maybe I've just been brainwashed the last 5 years, but when I think of not only my QuarterLife Crisis, but my Web of Oppression on top that.. oy vey.

I don't want to be in Dallas in January 2007. There. I said it. Now let's see if I can make that happen.

Looking Forward To...

2006-07-17T17:17:00.000-05:00

Going to IDLEWILD and getting BACK TO BASICS, hopefully learning some FUTURESEX/LOVE SOUNDS along the way and ultimately celebrating a B-DAY.

August & September cannot get here fast enough.

My Best Advice

2006-07-09T21:24:00.000-05:00

I hate to hate it... but I hate when folks LET themselves get into a situation where they feel they have an obligation they don't want to have. If you don't want to do something, then DON'T. For most situations, it's not being mean, or inconsiderate. It's actually down right treating thsese folks how they treat you! To people who complain about the "favor" they just have to accomplishment, I can only say: The only thing you HAVE to do is stay Black and die!

Face Cracked (This is a Very Long One)

2006-07-04T14:33:00.000-05:00

I just realized I got my face cracked. I have officially embarrassed myself. Nothing I can’t get over, but still, it happened minimally.

Remember my long distance like (not love) connection? Well 3 weeks ago I booked a ticket to ATL not only to visit my friends/family but to actually see him in person, too. You know, cause the phone thing gets old. To see if maybe the spark would die in person. Cause, why not?

So he has friends that come to town too. A few weeks ago, it was kind of like “darn” cause clearly I wanted to stay with him! Somewhere in college we all learned to love the co-ed sleepover. But anyways, he decides to at the last minute to have a cookout. The friend I am staying with actually introduced us, so it’s a given we are going in this will be the first time I see him since we first met; the first time we see each other in broad daylight; the first time we see each other not enhanced by alcohol.

Admittedly I was nervous. My friend didn’t really help since she loved to say things like “aww we are going to see your boo,” etc. Was he even my boo? I know I had a little inkling of something for him, but really I had no idea how he felt. I knew he flirted every random once in awhile on the phone, but does that really mean something? I was hoping to find out on this trip.

We get to his apartment and have a loose hug (me: “huh?”). We get settled in, the liquor starts flowing. He’s busy playing host, but he does check in with me a little. Somewhere along the way some of us start playing the card game BS. As we set up, I decide to be a little social (me? Shy, mean ol’ me, social? I know it was a big step) and talk to the guy who had just arrived.

“So how do you know My Long Distance Like Connection?”
“Well let’s see… his girlfriend is my girlfriend’s sister.”(me: “huh? WhAt? (a la Lil John)”)

Whatever little hunch punch high I had at the time sunk, but I pretty much rolled it off. I wasn’t going to act completely moody since we were nothing more than friends. I ended up at one point removed a bit from the gaggle of people and I get a text on my phone. He wrote “Everything okay?” I write back “I’m kind of disappointed.” He made his way over to me and I wait for the right moment when everyone else is in there own world to ask “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Wait for it….

“Well, kind of. A pretend girlfriend.” There were a few more words after that, but clearly that line takes the case. Basically him and some girl are on a break. It’s a party so there is not much time to talk about it right then.

Drinks later and the night is near its end. I pretty much make sure that I get a lil one-on-one with him and go outside to talk to him (god I hate being a female, things like this suck). I want more answers as to what is going with the girl. She lives in a different state, and she is not sure what she wants, so he is not sure if its meant to be since he knows what he wants. I’m too unsober to critically think about this, but basically she has called for the break in this relationship and so for the past two months he has just been waiting around to see where it goes. Only he is not just waiting, he is taking the time to mingle elsewhere. I realize all this when I get back to Texas. In my unsober state, I can only realize that this relationship is not as simple as I had fantasized, and I am only confused as to where I fit in. Had we not discussed making trips to see each other? Had he not flirted with me? Had we not posed the types of questions to each other that usually you only pose to people you are feeling out for a future with? Did he not give me the Best Compliment Ever? The thing is, he had.

The night at this point was not over, and in my unsober state I had not given up. At this point I think from both of us there was still something. He ends up giving me a ride home. I don’t really care about the girl and I don’t want the night to end for I think we both had found my answer: the connection was there. I want to talk the rest of the night. I want to hug, kiss, cause shit, who knows when this will happen for me again? But the the night does have to end, and I do get a quick peck on the lips. He tells me he is holding himself back, and to do more would make him an asshole. We make plans to hang the next day.

We don’t hang the next day. In fact we don’t even get a chance to talk till two hours ago. I was okay with not talking to him on Sunday – he did have folks in town, I was flying out and had my own people to see. But by Monday night I was a bit mad, confused, and realizing that this was turning out just like all other relationships turn out. I have had the time to critically think about the situation and realize that he is waiting on the other girl. What I can’t figure out is why.

In our conversation today I still don’t really see why. He says that he is trying to do something different than he usually does and instead of giving up he is going to be a bit patient with this other relationship. Understandable. But at the same time I don’t hear a guy in love. But he must be, because then why would he wait? As I type this I realize I don’t fully understand his answer to this. He even said something to the effect that at this point it wasn’t love. He truly is showing that he indeed has layers that will take time to peel back and know. There is more to the story, I just wish he would tell me.

In our conversation, he also says that he wants to be sure he didn’t lead me on to think that this weekend was going to be something more from him. Nooo, of course he didn’t lead me on. I just lead myself on, as we females tend to do. When he says this, I’m kind of realizing that this is the turning point of the relationship. We may be doomed for just friends territory. Even if the other girl doesn’t work out, he may not come to me since we have already come to a “do or die point.” That sucks. And my face is officially cracked.

Today he tells me he has lots of friends that he talks to a lot. Apparently I am just one of them. Friend.

But Saturday night… we kissed. That night he said he had to hold himself back. More than a friend.

AND I CAN’T HELP BUT TO THINK: if I had never asked “How do you know him?” how would things have turned out? I’m sure it wouldn’t have been the turnaround to “friends” I’m experiencing now.

Is he lying to himself? Am I wrong to think that there was more to us? Am I allowed to hope a little that I can still steal him away? But that’s the thing, I shouldn’t have to steal him away. He should like me enough to want me, and want me enough to finally be done with her.

Before him, men were the last thing on my mind, let alone a relationship with one. But now I’m sad. I don’t want our friendship to end, I even more don’t want the infatuation to end, and damnit, I maybe even want a man! Reality is setting in… it’s been forever since I’ve been kissed, and may even be a lifetime till it happens again. And for others it may not be important, but for me, that’s a bit of a worry.

I think above all our friendship has had an intimacy (even over the phone) I’m not getting anywhere else, and to see the possible end of that is freaking me out.

Back to square one.

The Best Compliment Ever

2006-06-17T13:48:00.000-05:00

Received over text message on a Tuesday night @ approximately 11:30 om CST.

"You are a really cool person to know. You're what's up."

Granted, the first part I don't remember word-for-word, but it very well could have said that. The important part is the second sentence. That's the one I laughed at but loved.

Book Review: Genevieve & PREP

2006-06-12T17:29:00.000-05:00

I've been busy indulging in my most favorite pastimes - reading. I read Genevieve over the course of 3 days, and PREP over the course of 2 days.

Geneveive - apparently pronounced ZHAWN-vee-ev the french way - is by Eric Jerome Dickey. As I was reading this book I realized he is one of my favorite authors. One of my favorite books of all time is Liar's Game. He just does a great job in creating relatable, real characters; giving them real motives and hangups, etc.

Most of his books are like most pieces of popular black fiction: about relationships. This is one is no different. It centers on a man that has started an affair with his emotive-lacking wife, Geneveive. Only as I am reading, I realize that this book is like soft porn or erotica. My GOD, the man thought & talked about sex so much, it could have been ghost-written by Zane. But the parts that weren't focused on sex were good. There were little brilliant parts that shocked you; things that the author chose to relay to the audience in a way that let you know that the characters knew these facts, but wasn't supposed to. And the simple way the facts were exposed let you know that these things were just another part of the character's lives, just as they would be ours. In the end, the book had a GREAT TWIST and was worth the read. Dickey did it again! Yea!

The other book I read was PREP. This was my third foray into white-authored fiction. I usually don't do white fiction cause I just can't relate to the hunky blond-haired hero and mousy brunnette heroine. Earlier this year I picked up The Devil Wears Prada and The Nanny Diaries in preparation for the movies. I thought PREP was going to be simple chic lit like these other two. I was definitely wrong!

Prep was like.. literature. And I don't dabble into literature quite enough! The basic story is abotu a teenager from South Bend, IN who enrolls herself into a New England boarding school. Ya'll this book was so deep. I guess there are many similarities in going to a boarding school & going to college.. the same enclosed culture that surrounds you 24/7. And I think any person-especially woman- who has ever felt anguish, self-doubt, insecurity could relate to the character. The author was so right on... maybe because I have felt the very same anxious feelings in my life I was able to appreciate it more. But this book definitely deserves its best-seller ranking.

In other news, I am slowly getting an idea of what maybe I should do with my life. My problem is that I don't want to feel "maybe."

Randomness dba I'm Still Alive

2006-06-04T17:43:00.000-05:00

I probably would blog more if it wasn't for the internet connection of my personal computer.

Been going through things... what else is new.

Been watching the 4400 today... I love that show!

I took an afternoon out this week to watch MTV Jamz and catch up on videos...a task I really haven't done in like 10 months. I was so out the loop, especially since Dallas radio SUCKS. My Hot Shit List: Bumpin my Music (Ohio rep!), Go Head w/ Nelly's people, Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado, I'm Bossy - Kelis (ya'll know that will be the cut, at least till Beyonce releases hers.. diamonds on my neck! Diamonds in my grill!). Maybe even a lil love for that Do It To It song by Cherish, although I can't stand lil skinny black girls who dress the way they do. As for white people music, I am loving Move On & I Write Sins Not Tragedies.

One thing I've learned this year is that nothing makes you miss your friends even more than actually seeing them.

If I could look into a crystal ball... all of my problems would be solved.

Sometimes I Feel Like Gnarls Barkley

2006-05-23T18:03:00.000-05:00

JUST A THOUGHT...

All I want is your understanding
As in the small act of affection"Why is this my life?"
Is almost everybody's question

And I've tried
Everything but suicide
But it's crossed my mind

(Verse)I prefer peace
Wouldn't have to have one word of possession
But essentially I'm an animal
So just what do I do with all the aggression?

(Hook)Well I've tried
Everything but suicide
But it's crossed my mind

(Verse)Life is a one-way street, and if you could paint it
I'd draw myself going in the right direction
So I go all the way - like I really really know -
But the truth is I'm only guessin'

(Hook)And I've triedEverything but suicide
Oooh but it's crossed my mind
Just a thought

(Verse)It's even dark in the daytime
It's not just good - it's +Great Depression+
When I was lost I even found myself
Looking in the gun's direction

(Hook)And so I've tried
Everything but suicide
But yes - it's crossed my mind
But I'm fine

Say A Little Prayer

2006-05-08T17:26:00.000-05:00

To all those who love African-American authored fiction..

E. Lynn Harris' new book is out! Titled Say A Little Prayer. Finally!.. it's been a long wait. It's a good one. Go cop it... only $15 @ Tarjet.

How are you?

2006-05-05T18:03:00.000-05:00

I like to tell people that I might have been "raised" in the south (North Carolina, what you know about that?), but I wasn't born there. Summarily, southern hospitality doesn't come naturally. I like to open my own doors, and mind my business when walking down the street. Additionally, there is an innate part of my personality that doesn't really care how you are, and don't really feel the need to tell you how I am.

This does not apply to everyone. There are tons of people I have a vested interest in - my family, my friends, acquaintances. But there are plenty of times when "How are you?" is false and assuming. If I'm talking to you, I want to get to the meat of the dialogue - "what really going on?" I don't always see the need of the hospitable greeting. I use it when appropriate, when the conversation deems worthy. But "Whats up?" "What going down" "Hello" are all just perfectly fine greetings.

This short tirade has all stemmed from a coworker . Although we may not cross paths everyday, we usually send a short email asking work questions or chat about stuff un-work-related. I enjoy being random. I may just write something simple, like "I can't believe it stormed last night!" As a quintessential sensitive good guy (blehckk!), whatever I say cannot go ignored and he will write back something good-natured. And then he will end with "how are you?" Almost like an afterthought, yet still written so that I KNOW HE CARES. I guess I feel like our relationship doesn't need such formality. Or that we have a relationship where I don't need you to try to cross that line and see how I'm feeling at a 9 am, lunchtime, 2:30 pm… I didn't ask you how you were. You are at work, so I'm gonna assume you are alive and kicking. How does he expect me to answer? I'm menstrating so my back aches and my hair is stressing me out? So, for now, I'm going to muddle over my answer.. "fine," or "okay." Because that's really all he needs to know.

So, about a Boy

2006-05-02T16:12:00.000-05:00

I went to Atlanta and met a boy.

Scratch that. Man.

Scratch that. Whether he is a boy or man has yet to be determined.

But I will tell you, it was the ultimate "put-on"/"hook-up."

He was totally coached by my friend. And when her tactic didn't work, she totally told me about it.

I was interested, so I salvaged the attempt. A smooth cranberry&vodka led to decent conversation, flirtation, gyration.

Unfortunately, there was only a tightly packed 14 hours left to my stay. But he scored points in attempting to hang out with me Sunday morning, and for calling me before my flight left.

4 conversations later (all at least 20 minutes long)... and I am still enjoying the dialogue. Better yet - apparently so is he! If we stayed in the same city, we would have undoubtably had a date and maybe a "chill" session by now. I would have been able to feel his hug by now. I would have been able to memorize his eyes by now.

But I'm Dallas. And I have to have that grim reality check: how can this work? How much longer till he shrugs and says "she's in Dallas." How much closer can we get when we are never able to see the facial expression that comes with the verbal exclamations?

But shoot.. this is my first (maybe) attainable crush since Jan '05/first secretive lustful crush since Sept '04. So I'm going to revel in it.

He said maybe he'd fly out to Dallas. I've told him I've got to come back to ATL to see the baby. So, we'll see.

I found you...

2006-04-19T17:10:00.000-05:00

BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKIN EVERYWHERE!

Why does even my mother like that song...

will be some booties rocking this weekend... ATL HO! THROW THEM BOWS! KNUCK IF YOU BUCK! IF YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! GET ON MY LEVEL! FOREVA I LOVE ATLANTA!

*sigh*

just had to get all that ATL luv out of my system. This weekend will be 36 hours of loveliness.

ADMITTING A CONFESSION...

2006-04-17T18:42:00.000-05:00

These are my confessions… Dang I love that song! And I luv me some USHER! But I'm not just here to confess my undying love and adulation of the Michael Jackson of my era, the R&B crooner who rocks my world….

I went to church yesterday. This is the third time since I've been with Texas. And I have to admit, I was dreading it.

I haven't been to an Easter service since 2002; haven't been to church since 2003. Its really crazy to admit that.

For some, church was a fun place to go to while growing up. Perhaps you made friends there, or the Sunday School teacher was cool. But for my family, church wasn't really a constant. We had on and off years, gradually fading to just off. And worse, I wasn't really friends with any kids my age: I just knew some of the children of my mom's friends.

Although my college was heavy on the faith and religion, I still never felt the urge or need to get my spiritual growth on through the church. I thought that maybe - as the BAP Handbook accords - that I would find the urge once I graduated.

It hasn't happened yet.

And so Saturday, when my aunt asked if I would be attending church with them (I knew the question was coming) I responded "um.. Yeah, sure, I guess." She went on to say "You have to, it's a family tradition." I wanted to say "My family gave up traditions back in '96."

But I went. Of course they go to one of the bigger, almost mega-churches in the city. A part of me loathe the types. The preachy-preachers, the 5 gazillion songs that are sung. I like my services short, simple and sweet. No Fluff Needed. So we take the 45-min drive (cuz everything in Dallas is far) to the church. We have to park down the friggin street and shuttle to the church. All types of people have shown up: little girls in princess dresses, random faux-thugs in jeans, even a sprinkle of the Other Persuasion.

We're black, so of course we are late. We enter midway through the production. Yes, PRODUCTION. They are putting on a play about the Resurrection, with song, interpretive dance and everything. They even made a crucifix that stood up right where the actor protraying Christ could hang off of it. It was mad impressive. I have to admit, I had to laugh at the extreme production at first, but they really did a good job. I was pissed when people started standing when Christ rose 'cause I couldn't see a darn thing.

And wouldn't you know it? Once we got past the production, the meat (otherwise known as the sermon) wasn't even that long. Growing up, Easter service was always the Longest Service. I listened a little, but I wasn't really vibin with the message; something about the pastor - his voice, his topics, just doesn't grab me.

All in all, I enjoyed my Easter. But I just don't think I'm ready to get religious with my spirituality. Which I know for the Black community, I might as well admit I'm Mormon or Atheist or something. Or say I'm dating my stylist. Whatever

Randomness dba Blogrrhea of the Mouth

2006-04-15T01:27:00.000-05:00

I have been wanting and wanting to blog…

But not a whole lot of topics in mind. I could go the random route - which I am quite good at – but what is also hindering me is just not finding the time to post up on here.

Some people have written in their own blogs the trouble with sharing their blogs. Knowing that their friends and other loved ones read it make the blog more difficult to be free…

I have not shared this blog with anyone. Even my closest friends do not realize this exists. It is not listed on my facebook profile. Am I afraid of what people would read? No. Am I afraid of what people would think? Maybe. But I console myself with the thought that 1) What people think really doesn’t matter and 2) There is a vessel of history and knowledge and feelings people will never know. I like to think that a blog can help connect folks in this way….I always come off misunderstood, so maybe this blog could enlighten some to my nature… at least those who care. Above all, though, I want to keep this honest and truthful, and don’t want my insecurities to interfere with whatever topics I am musing.

~randomly~ I’ve always contently thought to myself “Everything I learned in life I learned from TV (NOT KINDERGARTEN! OR FROM TEDDY BEARS!). I used to be really happy to mark on the standardized tests in high school that I watched 20-30 hours of television a week (cuz you know I was making the bomb scores). How else would I have known what high school would be like (Saved By the Bell)? Or what sex involved (Real Sex)?

But TV really isn’t how it used to be. My current tv commentary is as follows:

Desperate Housewives – they really let the black family storyline bite the dust QUICKLY. Something about the fact the violent retarded guy is black bothers me. And you know he is going to assault the white girl. Must we see this on a top 10 show that isn’t Law & Order?

Grey’s Anatomy – very likely one of the best shows on tv right now. I love Cristina and Burke. I love the Nazi. I love all the minorities on the show. I hate how Izzie feel for a patient… so predictable. I’mma need the reruns to not last too much longer!

Girlfriends – I try to remember to watch. The storylines so fell off after Joan & William broke up and she did the restaurant thing. It used to be about the girls & their love lives. Now its just about the girls & their lives.

The Real World – Okay I’m embarrassed to admit I still watch this stuff. But I didn’t pay a lot of attention to the last 4 seasons… only really watched when I was bored. However, I am loving the potential of this season. Something about the cast is a bit refreshing…

ANTM – Okay I could write a whole post on this!!! But I’ll keep it short: love Furonda, love Danielle, love Joanie, loved Nnenna but now she is sucking, hate Brooke, wish Jade would suck a fat one.

Veronica Mars – I love this show! I <3 Wallace like white girls swoon for DMB. The mayor is definitely guilty… his family is definitely crazy… whoever caused the bus crash should definitely burn in hell…it will definitely be interesting to see how the show forms once V heads to college next year.
Lost – I live for the surprise endings. Because there is absolutely no use in trying to figure the stuff out. I really was wondering what ever happened to Michael, so I was very glad to see him this week.

Everybody Hates Chris – funny shit.

Wild’n Out – very funny shit. I would love to see a taping.

-----> Oh yeah, and you should definitely peep “Bumpin My Music”.. by some dude & Scarface! That’s my ish right there!

So empty my heart my soul

2006-04-10T12:38:00.000-05:00

I'm still alive yall. Although I think everyone has been slackin.

Its been busy busy busy, but definitely more to come.

a throwback goodbye...

peace, luv and nappiness.

Friendship: Evolution (Perhaps Incoherent Thoughts of the Graduated State)

2006-03-21T06:09:00.000-06:00

We all came as just one. Then you found someone.

You maybe started off cautiously, with trips together to the cafeteria. You bond over bitching about a teacher. You grow together as you run an organization and cram for tests.

There were false starts (but the engine soon roars to life). You have a running buddy, a roll-dawg (and if you were lucky, a friend).

Days are filled with calls and text messages. Brunches, lunches, dunches, dinners and night caps. Convos are filled with familiar catch-phrases and inside jokes. Laughter. Pre-planning, planning, exhaling for homecoming, breaks, senior week. Hours talking about nothing, doing nothing. Conversation is about the NOW. What they are wearing. What you are going to wear. Who you want to see. Who you saw and what they said. Critical analysis, deconstruction and synthesis. Theories and application. Every once in awhile, glimpses into the soul – (admirations and faults). Nevertheless, in a true sense its comfort and belonging.

Then, individually you must reenter the world (devoid).

No longer do they run each party by you. Pics, in outfits you’ve never seen with people you’ve never met. More and more you shop (alone), you eat (alone), you chill (alone). You meet new people, and may or may not fill them in.

Life is maybe … awkward.

Conversation no longer seamlessly streams the moments apart. There is much more going on, more than you can realize over a cable line. Silences aren’t the same. Change is good. But its always nicer to be a part of the change, to see the change (to change together).

The relationship is maybe just imprint of what was left behind, or a shadow slowly fading in the sun. Bone with no meat. (The trust is still there.) But the meat…goya, seasoning, sauce…something’s missing.

Even the strongest falter. And its hard to remember
We all came as just one.

Observations dba Puddles & White People

2006-03-19T16:04:00.000-06:00

The forecast said rain. Rain Friday throught Monday.

And the meteorologists were right. It has rained Friday on through.

So why, now Sunday, do I see white people walking around without umbrellas? And I’m not talking about just a few. When I went to the store, I was the only person walking in and walking out with an umbrella.

They knew it was raining.

*sigh*

I guess some things aren’t meant to be understood.

Firsthand Knowledge: When crossing through large puddles, do not run. It only causes bigger splashes, wet shoes and damp jeans.

It's that HEAT...

2006-03-15T17:03:00.000-06:00

Sergio Mendes - TIMELESS album (the remix album), produced by Will.I.Am, featuring a myriad of notables... Jill Scott, Justin Timberlake, John Legend, India.

Tired of the blase releases that fill up the pop and hip hop charts? This is it. Enough spanish to get your hips shaking, yet smooth enough to play from beginning to end.

Cop it, iTune it, whatever... I found it in the folk music section.

Groupie Luv

2006-03-14T17:20:00.000-06:00

Sunday my friend told me that I am a Beyonce groupie…

And I fear that she is right.

I flipped through the stations on Sunday evening, and happily saw that E!'s THS of Beyonce was beginning. I had catalogued it in my mind to watch, but it was up to fate for me to really remember. So I settled in and began to watch the life story of your girl and mine, Beyonce.

I've heard the story before. The girl group Girls Tyme, singing in the hair salon, Matthew quits his job. However for some reason this show put their hard work in perspective. I never truly realized the fact they were performing wherever they could at the age of 13…I thought, "wow, they WERE serious!"

As they began to highlight they different singles.. From "No, No, No" with Wyclef to the mega pop hit "Independent Woman," I began to realize why I was such a groupie.

You see, I wasn't always a Beyonce lover. When they cut Latavia and LeToya from the group, I believed it was her family's selfishness that drove them away. Matthew was too controlling, Beyonce had too much shine. I still liked the group, but kind of was a … Beyonce hater. Yes, drinking that cup of haterade, aching to get my hateration on whenever the girl was brought up. Much how I regard Angelina Jolie now.

Sometime after Bootylicious and before the solo album, I started softening. Hooked up with Jay-Z.. I was fine with that. Then she did the damn thing: Crazy in Love. The song -- off the hook. The video -- dignified her a true diva DOIN THE DAMN THING.

But again, as I watched the THS, I realized why I truly was a fan. DC, and B by default, had always been in my life. "No, no no," was a song I bonded over with with my sisters, significant because I had just started high school and my sister was away at college. The Writings on the Wall album was the official road trip song for rides to Greensboro. "Bills" "Bugaboo" "Say My Name" were all belted off tune on rides to football games. "Independent Woman" meshed with me at the tender age of 18, as I began to view myself as a woman. Dangerously In Love, the album… summer 2003.. Wilding out with friends, with my sisters. I'll admit, I learned the dance sequence at the end of the "Crazy" video.

But basically, I can look back and remember almost a decade's worth of GOOD TIMES. If that is groupie luv… then so be it.

Randomness dba Because

2006-03-11T21:51:00.000-06:00

BECAUSE i steal things from other people’s blogs:

Four jobs I've had:
1. Cashier at a Discount Store
2. Concession stand at the movies
3. Summer Day Camp Leader
4. Chocolatier

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Footloose
2. Coming to America
3. The Shawshank Redemption
4. Clueless

Four places I have lived:
(how about the first 4?)
1. Cincinnati, OH
2. Baltimore, MD
3. Honolulu, HI
4. San Francisco, CA

Four Shows I love:
1. Veronica Mars
2. Grey's Antaomy
3. ANTM
4. Everybody Hates Chris

Four books I'd recommend to anyone, anytime:
1. Invisible Life
2. The Godfather
3. Siddhartha
4. The Coldest Winter Ever

Four places I have vacationed:
1. South Beach
2. Myrtle Beach
3. Cincinnati
4. Key West

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Alfredo pasta
2. Pizza
3. Lasagna
4. Salad

Four sites I visit (almost!) daily:
1. thefacebook.com
2. blogspot.com
3. cnn.com
4. eonline.com
**********************************
BECAUSE you should know:

www.familywatchdog.us
************************************
BECAUSE i’m bored:

http://20q.net/
*************************************
BECAUSE you’re bored:
http://www.personaldna.com/tests.php

Random Bits...

2006-03-07T21:39:00.000-06:00

I did something ultra grown-up, ultra intellectual last weekend… I watched C-SPAN. I caught the panel discussion of Tavis Smiley’s State of the Black Union. It was inspiring.

Yo… that’s my cousin..
www.doctoriansmith.com
Yes, the doctor from Celebrity Fit Club. I found out recently we’re related…second cousins once-removed. Although I think I’m the only one in the world who really understands what that means.

I did another thing ultra-adult… I went to the club.. solo. I met a few interesting folk (although I am still not sold on Dallas). Had a good time, and am looking forward to the next.

Pearl Cleage is another reason to love Atlanta. Especially since she makes the West End sound so damn great!

Caught the Duke vs. Carolina game last night…only a Carolinian would understand the importance and only a Crazy would feel my pain. Sometimes I wish I went to a Whiter College.

Another reason Dallas sucks.. the best radio morning show is Tom Joyner. Not that I don’t love Tom. He looked out for folks back at college. But damn am I that old? No…it’s just that Ricky Smiley, Skip Mason and Kid Craddick aren’t that funny.

Why am I really tuning into RW: Key West?

The When Harry Met Sally Debate: A Case Study

2006-02-26T21:55:00.000-06:00

Case 1: M.O.B.
My best friend from the 8th grade on. My running partner. Arguably we were the most “destined to succeed” African-American male and female in my class.
He never was one for the ladies. It made sense to even wonder (to this day) if possibly he would swing the other way. Nonetheless, for many years we were two peas in a pod, him my closest confidant. In the spring of ’99, however, I started getting attention from one of the most well-liked boys in school… a star football player who apparently admired me from far away. We ended up exchanging numbers and a few months later were classified “boyfriend-girlfriend.”
I was afraid to tell M.O.B. I think it took me two weeks after the fact. Of course he had already heard, but he had never brought it up. Senior year I was single come prom time. I knew he wanted to ask me, but I didn’t want to spend my last prom with someone I never considered myself physically attracted to. So my method to turn him down? Avoidance, until I could secure a date with another friend.
We reserved pages worth for each other in the yearbooks.. went off to college… spoke maybe every six months the first few semesters, only to slowly obliterate into nothing. From what I have heard he possibly had a really hard time the end of sophmore year, dropped out, now sells car. It pains that he didn’t call on me to support him through a rough time. I still have mad love for him.. unfortunately, when I call he doesn’t answer.

Case 2: The Less than a Boyfriend More than a Crush
Met him through a friend freshman year. It was near the end of the semester, when everyone gets the itch to get that one last good holla to last them through the summer. We really were introduced through a friend over the phone, so it was maybe a week of phone convos till we met in person. He was the first man I ever stayed the whole night with (a fact I never realized that until I wrote it… of course it only occurred because his Resident Director was guarding the only exit all night.)
The summer came with weekly phone calls. Much anticipation when the school year started. Definitely kept up the friend M.O. for a few weeks till he went for it…He quickly became the subject of my naïve dreams of a college love. Our relationship was one that others my age have experienced… last minute plans, plenty of “kicking it.” But the comfort of knowing each other was there. However, one day I got tired of being in the undefined and gave up, and moved on. Phone calls stopped. Although at random times we gave it another low-effort try, it never was the same. Another friendship gone.

Case 3: Detroit P.B.
Another one met freshman year, very randomly one of the first weeks there. We’d go on to see each other not very often, ask each other how we were doing, what was up for the weekend in that courteous way. Same thing sophomore year. Then I moved in with a friend he used to party with junior year. Now we had more in common. The summer before junior year we had many a good late night conversation, talking about life, love and everything in between. Strictly on the friend stick. We weren’t really confidants, just had luv for each other.
Spring of junior year, invite him over since I’d hung out at his place before. Him and friend bring the liquor. We enjoy a drinking game and good laughs. We somehow seclude ourselves and cross that line that liquor blurs. Its stopped before it gets too sticky, and a few months later we are still keeping up with each other.
We didn’t talk much senior year, becoming busy living the senior life. I call him up one weekend near the end of the semester. Bored out my mind, invite him over. I’m surprised he has the time to talk, let alone accept. He brings over a great movie. We watch, and fall into an easy conversation afterward. And somehow, over the course of four hours, the line gets crossed again. Without the liquor..its not so surprising this time. Yet I’m not one to ruin a friendship. He doesn’t spend the night. Afterwards, I’d be lying if I didn’t hope to spend more time with him. But he’s busy, enjoying a newfound shine. So I once again move on. However, this time its different. The friendship never again assumes its once easy delivery. There’s a bit more to this story that may have affected his actions, but in its essence is a friendship that died.

There are several more cases to add to this file. I have always enjoyed my friendships with men. Not all led to romance like the ones above. I’m the type to keep reaching out.. .either to resume or find closure in a relationship. My only answer to the deaths of these relationships is that the men chose to end them. Was I not hot enough? Was I not trusting enough? Is there no value in my friendship?

Is. It. Me?

Today, I count two men as good friends I consistently talk to. I went to high school with both of them, so in essence it’s a long-distance relationship. Is that the key? Or is that the sad state of affairs I find myself in?

I ask to you, the reader, can a man be friends with a woman?

Hypocrisy that is Life

2006-02-24T23:10:00.000-06:00

I think this is the only choice you should choose…yet make the decision on your own.

It doesn’t matter what people think…yet be careful of how you are perceived at work.

Be realistic…yet realize the sky is the limit.

This is all God’s plan…but you are in control of your life.

To believe that everyone is loved by God…yet those not Christian will go to hell.

Everyone is important…yet how many people leave this life without touching anyone, without being recognized, without being remembered?

If this all won’t matter to me in 20 years… why am I forced to worry about it?

My world is turned upside-down. I am unapologetically pessimistic. Am I the only one who is skeptical of our purpose? The only one who doesn’t understand life’s complexities?

With all my heart I want to know the reason why…and I’m getting fed up waiting for the answer.

Sidebar: this doesn’t make me feel any better: www.deathclock.com

Quotable I

2006-02-20T19:41:00.000-06:00

It is very possible we never grow up...

"Without our parents' rules to defy, we break the rules we set for ourselves."
-Grey's Anatomy

Work

2006-02-12T08:28:00.000-06:00

Work Work Work. Work to live, live to work.

Which is more important: the work that we do? or what we are working towards?

Grammys Commentary 2006

2006-02-08T23:12:00.000-06:00

A Good Look:

Jay-Z, Linkin Park Performance
Gold-Diggers and Broke Phi Broke Stepping It Out
The Marching Band Working it Out
Mariah Carey’s Best Performance in Years
John Legend Winning
Kelly Clarkson Winning
Sly Family Tribute
Christina & Herbie
Gorillaz
Jermain Dupri
Common…yum!

Look Twice:

Ciara.. the dress, performance and nomination…
Jamie wearing the glove
Black Eyed Peas
No Usher
Michelle’s (DC) stick figure
Teri Hatcher
Testify
Finding out Adam Levine has a high voice
The woman with John Legend

H.A.M.:

Kanye West’s outfits. The open chested shirt.. the gold chains.. the gloves.. the prayer for the Album of the Year.. the attitude. I’m tired of it. But the outfit put it over the top.
Gwen not winning. “Hollaback girl” was THE song!

In Honor of the Grammys...

2006-02-08T23:11:00.000-06:00

Some songs take you back. For me, there are several songs that always take me back to relationships. They were the songs I identified with at the time, and now whenever I hear them, they take me back…

High School Luv -- Lauryn Hill f/ D’Angelo “Nothing Even Matters.”
This was our song. He named it first, saying it meant a lot to him. Now the song takes me back to the purest relationship I’ve ever had, and I know it does the same for him.

Mr. Can’t Be My Type – Aaliyah “I Care 4 U”
This was the one before college. I rocked that album hard all summer long, only to soon find out he was her biggest fan. Her death was so sad, and he was the first person I called because I knew he’d be heartbroken.

More-than-a-crush-Less-than-a-Boyfriend – Amerie “Why Don’t We Fall In Love” “Talkin To Me”
There were times I hoped he would be the College Luv. The One who would teach me what Love really was. I loved Amerie from the start, and everytime “Why Don’t We” came on that summer, I thought of him. Once “Eyes” was released, school was back in session, and this secretly was my song for him.

N.O. Pretty Thug – Alicia Keys “Diary”
The relationship that never blossomed. Frustrating. This song immediately made me think of him. I just wanted to tell him that it’s okay, you can trust.

Mr. Opposite dba The Older Man – Goapele “Romantic”
Unfortunately, I introduced him to Goapele. So now, every time I hear this favorite song, it goes back to him.
I would be especially interested if any guys out there had songs that instantly reminded them of their past relationships…

No, Thank You

2006-02-06T22:57:00.001-06:00

A couple of my friends asked me if I was going to drive down to Houston for the NBA All-Star weekend.

My answer? “Oh Heeeeeellll No!” *

*to be delivered much in the way UPN Girlfriends’ Maya delivers the last line of her book, Oh Hell Yes.

Then I tell them, “I lived through Atlanta All-Star Weekend.”

Perhaps some of my Atlanta friends had fun that weekend, or stayed at home most of that weekend, so they have different views. Perhaps they look at the weekend optimistically, thinking of only the advantages: meeting celebs like Boris Kudjoe at the Cheesecake Factory, the tons of money that pours into the local economy, and the extravagant parties such as “The Fur Party” (why there was a Fur Party in 40-degree is beyond me).

However, they are forgetting the main theme of All-Star Weekend: BLACK. Blacks Looking & Acting Crazy & Krunk. ( Nice try for an acronym, right?) Better yet, it’s more like Black Folks Acting Extra Black. Black to the Nth. Black to the Infinity.

I love my Black people, but folks just look and act a fool during All-Star weekend. And Houston is one of those cities where there are enough Black people (and other minorities) to recreate the crazy scene that was Atlanta. With Houston being a hot city in hip-hop, and all the extra Black people from New Orleans living there… oh Hell Yes! It will be a wild and perhaps disgruntling time.

For those who wonder what happens… here are a few important points that I took with me from my experience:

-It takes at least three times as long to get anywhere. Traffic is the ABSOLUTE worst, especially if you are traveling to someplace everyone is going (such as the mall). I knew a guy who took almost 2 hours going 5 miles up GA 400. Also traffic is diverted in evil and cruel ways. Lesson learned: public transportation is a must!

-You basically have to be a baller to truly enjoy yourself. The best parties are designed to keep the lowly poor folk out (you mean I have to pay $175 to get in AND wear a fur coat??) Lesson learned: make more money.

-Most people come for the parties/social scene, not the NBA events. So that means basically, during the day, tons of people flock to the malls. And you know black folks… dressed for the club in the mall! Weave, nails, tight shirts, short skirts (knowing it is winter), from the ghetto fab to the bourgeois… you see it all. Lesson Learned: Look in the mirror before you leave the house? Just say no?

-More on the mall (since that is where I was that whole weekend working): The mall was packed beyond capacity, and was shut down both Saturday and Sunday. Its hard to imagine how many people were crowded into that mall; it was unreal, unlike anything I have ever seen and may never see again. You know Black folk… walking around the mall not really buying. So what happened at Lenox is that people decided to “post up”. There were people 4 and 5 rows deep “posted up” on available space such as the store windows and hallways, kind of like stadium seating or something. So this means the actual walkway was much smaller. Best believe it was also packed to capacity, like those folks who run with the bulls in Spain. Throngs of people moving like a stream through the tight space. Folks being loud, folks snapping pics of celebrities. Of course it is not an easy environment to be in.

By Sunday, it was out of hand and tired. I remember going to grab lunch for my coworkers at CPK. As we are walking, we notice a mob of men surrounding a kiosk cart. Some have money in their hands. Upon closer inspection, we see more of Black Folks Looking a Mess – a woman has climbed ONTO the kiosk cart and is dancing. Now, how can that EVER be right?

20 minutes later, we are at CPK gathering food. For those who have been in Lenox, at this location in the mall you can look up and see the top level. Well, we look up and see TONS of people running away from something. And you know Black Folks.. one person runs, we all run. So basically a race to get out of the mall occurred. This wasn’t just one group of people. Probably half of the people in the entire mall – most just following the crowd – began to run, not knowing WHAT they were running from. We return back to work; after this crazy incident, folks are assuming the worst and places start closing. We find out that someone waved a gun around. In the friggin mall. Lesson learned: People act too crazy at All-Star Weekend!

To all who have decided to travel to H-Town for the weekend – be careful, be safe, and be sure not to be caught perpetuating a stereotype!

My Hate Affair with Mary Jane

2006-02-01T23:20:00.000-06:00

In high school, the weed smokers were the mostly the kids with no future, and a handful of alterna-boys in the AP classes. Funny thing, all those boys went on to NC State and UNC.

I had imagined college would be full of activist pseudo-intellectuals, studying by day, partying by night, and having no time for drugs. Boy was I wrong! I quickly found out what it truly meant to be a pothead. I even was more surprised by the fact that some folks sold the drugs themselves. Let's not even start on the women who smoke!

Over the years, I of course came into contact with folks who frequented the need for green. However, for whatever reasons, my close friends - men and female - have never been drug users (at least outside of caffeine and alcohol). Back in Junior Year, I was fairly close with my dorm brother. I was surprised (wow.. I'm surprised...again...surprise!) to find out that during the summer when he had no car and stayed at home.. he stayed high. My 03-04 more-than-a-crush-less-than-a-boyfriend ended up admitting that he socially smoked (if it was anything like he socially drinked, it couldn't have been good). My fall 04 relationship was the biggest weedhead yet. He definitely hit the blunt at least twice a week. It's been a year since, and now he smokes almost daily. He has confided that he wants to stop, but can't. I see it as a crutch he always falls back on...

People seem to smoke for two main reasons...boredom and stress-relief. I can understand why a 20-year-old may dabble in it socially for a while. However, there is absolutely no reason for a man or woman over the age of 25 to be relying on weed. I say relying because that's what people do. It is their addiction, just like chewing gum and reality TV. Between the waste of money some people lay out for it, the hiding it from family, the unpleasant aroma that can be hard to shake... why do people go to such lengths to get high?

Four years ago I may have been a little open to trying it, just once. But clearly, that time has passed. To me, the whole act is a waste, an idle effort of an idle mind, especially for those who toke regularly, and even worse....toke alone! (side note: is toke a relevant verb to use?)

I think my major problem with it is that the people who I personally know who smoke a lot don't have their lives together. Some folks may argue that hey, even Puffy, Jay-Z, maybe even Beyonce smoke! But my rebuttal is that they have their lives together, they have money and are making money... what are you doing? Sitting at home at 3:00 in the afternoon, smoking a blunt...

To Sum Up: I have a very low tolerance for those who pursue weed as a hobby. We all have problems, but weed is not the answer.

(Another) Birthday Post

2006-01-25T23:17:00.000-06:00

The traditional Birthday song, as we Americans know it, sings:

Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday dear Yooouuu, Happy Birthday to You!

Really crunk folk might take it one step further:

How old are you now? How old are you now? Okay I really don't feel the need to be extra redundant with this one.

A thought that comes across my mind every time around this year, is what will they be singing when I'm 40? 65? 113? (my ultimate goal).

Growing up, my mother always had to throw some BLACK into the mix. Spice up the song a little. Most years, once the traditional song was sung, she'd go right into the National Black Birthday Song (like that title? Yeah I made it up):

Haaaappy Birthday to Ya.(insert soul clap).. Haaaappy Birthday to Ya.(insert soul clap).. Haaaaappy Biiiirrrthday!

Later on, I realized that was that song was popularized in getting Dr. King's birthday as a national holiday. But to me, it was the "updated and hip" way to sing Happy Birthday.

As kids, we may have gone the silly route...

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, you smell like a monkey, and you look like one too!

HaahaahaahhaaNO. I think if a kid sung that at MY kid's party, I'd whoop that ass right there. Ain't NO ONE messing up my (future) babies' party!

I know kids still say it, as I've been to a few kid parties in the last year. Even weirder, though, is what my young cousins like to sing. My cousin swears that's what they sing at school, but I really think he went to a party at Chik-Fil-A... But who really HAS a (whack ass) party at Chik-Fil-A??? The song basically ends:

Happy Birthday to you! EAT! MORE! CHICKEN!

And yes, that shit is yelled at the top of your lungs. And the kids think its hilarious.

A few years ago, the way we sing a birthday song was changed equivocally. You know what I'm talking about:

Go, go, go Go Shawty, It's ya Birthday
We gonna party like, it's ya Birthday
Gonna sip Bacardi like, it's ya Birthday
You know we don't give a fuck cuz it's ya Birthday!

On your birthday, someone is singing it to you, or at the very least you are singing it to yourself. Getting crunk in the middle of class, doing a little shimmy or butt shake in ya seat. Nodding your head little cuz shit...

It's ya Birthday!

And I think that is what we of my generation will be singing at 40... 65... even getting a little crunk at 113.

So I guess I may actually owe 50 a thank you for that one..

On second thought, hell nah, it's my birthday (biaaatch!)

Birthdays Revisited...

2006-01-22T23:56:00.000-06:00

My birthday is this week. I will likely be playing the homely role, possibly wildin out with my favorite lil' men... only thing I really need is that red velvet cake!

I have been thinking about how I have spent birthdays past. We did it all. Slumber parties. McDonalds. Roller Skating rink. Slowly I'm realizing I had some really good ones! Most memorable...

Age: 7
Place: My House
The Scene: A bunch of snot-nosed kids over for a rompin good time! I seriously remember playing Pin-The-Tail on the Donkey and hitting a pinata. Aww, to be young again when games didn't consist of men lying just to kick it!

Age: 12
Place: Roller Skating Rink
The Scene: Ahh, that tender age. We wore bras like sore thumbs and danced like we knew something! I invited like half the sixth grade class there; there was likely 45-60 kids. We roller skated, played the rink games (4 Corners holla!) and met up in the center of the rink to dance. This was the year of the Tootsie Roll and The Train, so there was plenty of both. I will never forget BJ, the cool white boy from Las Vegas who could Tootsie Roll like no other....

Age: 13
Place: My House
The Scene: About seven friends over for a sleepover. Left to our own devices in the great room. We laughed, did girl talk, and of course did the obligatory sleepover games. I'm talking Raise the Dead, Bloody Mary, Ouija board, all the scary games. Of course, by the age of 13 these things were old news. So one of my cooler suggested a game. Basically it involved making each other hold our breaths and making us faint. I know, crazy right? Most of us stepped up to the plate to have a very short glimpse of "The Light at the End of the Tunnel." Mostly when we fainted, we had very short (probably 4 second??) dreams. I guess we all felt good about taking the death-risks. I'm sure everyone there will always remember that party. And I'm sure my dad would whoop my ass if he knew!

Age: 19
Place: Atlanta, GA
The Scene: My first grown birthday. It couldn't have been any sweeter: the CAU vs. MC basketball game to start off with, and a Que party at NV, my favorite club at the time! The basketball game was off the chain, and I happened to run into my major secret crush at the LetOut. I was good for a week after that!

Age: 22
Place: SWATS & Austell, GA
The Scene: What happens when five friends - three of them from out of town - get together in celebration of one friend's birth? Mother Nature Lets Loose! We try to go out to Vision, but we make it halfway and decide to turn back after seeing no less than four car accidents on I-20. Yall know niggas in Atlanta don't do Ice.. or Snow... or Rain! Fortunately, we stop at the liquor store on the way back. The next day our cars have inches of ice on top. The power goes out in our rinky dink neighborhood. We end up calling a friend's mom to come rescue us! Thank god for caring people. I did a little ghetto sledding, talked to my major secret crush of senior year, let his niggas fuck with the dog, and reminisced about old songs and TV shows with my good friends. Could have been better, yes, but will always be memorable.

This year.. we'll see.

Change It All

2006-01-18T22:28:00.000-06:00

I'm not much of a "music" person. I buy approximately one CD a year. I don't have a burner on my computer, so I have to be really pressed about an album to bug someone to burn me one. It's actually kind of embarassing, with hip-hop being the essence of our generation. I even took a class on hip-hop; a few weeks into it, I realized I was definitely NOT a hip-hop head, and never will be. But I'm not a neo-soul junkie, rock lover or Celine Dion fan either. I just enjoy what's good, what's hot.

I honestly can't remember the last time I bought a CD. But last night I decided to treat myself and cop the one album I've been sweating, the one songstress my soul has been achin to hear...

Goapele.

I am so proud to have actually purchased two of her albums! Of course, the first one got messed up then subsequently lost. It broke my heart, because it was one of those Insert CD, Let it Play types of albums where you just sit and listen to tracks 1-13.

And to think, I would have never known if it weren't for Chewbacca back in 2003 giving me a listed to "Closer." Have you ever had a song move you at your core? This song did and repeatedly does for me. I'm not one who readily connects with music, but this song connects for some reason. Luckily, it's a bonus track on her new album, Change It All.

Goapele really makes me want to be from the West Coast, krumpin and shit. You just listen and know she is a special spirit. However, it is my goal to one day spread my knowledge and cop all the other good neo-soul music out there... maybe even dab into some house/down-tempo stuff.

So what do you recommend?

Little Known Movies That Little Know I Love

2006-01-16T00:08:00.000-06:00

Movies that get little love...At least from a black person!

Think about it. Every black person loves Love & Basketball, The Wood, or The Best Man. Friday and Coming to America are classics. But we do love and admire other films.. right? According to the Facebook pulse, the only predominantly white movie Spelmanites list as their favorite is The Notebook (which was a damned good movie). So here is a short compilation of random movies I like, or hold fond memories of.

GREASE. 8th grade, finally saw it. Maybe downloaded a lyric or two (or all) of the songs....what can I say? I love a musical, and maybe admired the good girl turned bad motif?

HOCUS POCUS. I'm not one to watch movies twice in a weekend, but I remember seeing this when I was young...I liked it so much I think I watched it three times in a weekend. Just a really fun movie, even now that I'm grown. SJP is a witch, Bette Midler is a witch, and they are pretty funny. Course I haven't watched it in about 5 years...but I'm sure.. still funny.

URBAN COWBOY. Another Travolta flick I saw sometime in high school. I really enjoy this simple film for some reason. It's country, its Texas, they live in a trailer. Reminds me of North Carolina living. The movie has enough drama to star Vivica (as the bitch slapped wife) and Ving (as the bitch slapping boyfriend).

FREEWAY. I saw this when it originally aired on HBO. Instant classic in my household. Something about hicks that strike a cord with us I guess? Reese Witherspoon explodes into the hollywood scene with this one. Her character is just straight psycho, but you love it! Keifer Sutherland is classicly creepy. I think Selma Blair is a jailhouse chick...Another dark, disturbing comedy perfect for the fam!

FOOTLOOSE. This is like, almost a musical and I love it! And Kevin Bacon. Yes, a black girl in love with some Kevin Bacon. This is about a big city boy who moves to this backwards ass town that plays no rock music. Now it falls on Kevin's jaunty shoulders to free the young people of the town and make them dance! dance! dance! Nah, it's really an entertaining film...in a way, gives you a greater appreciation of the expression we call dance.

SHE'S HAVING A BABY. Another Kevin Bacon film, but way lesser known. I think his wife is the Breakfast Club darkhaired chick. Don't know why I ADORE this film. It's just a smart film. Kevin Bacon is a newlywead buppy, adjusting to life as a young adult. They live in the NY Metro Area. Love it.

ELECTION. This film is tooo funny. For all those who enjoy dark, witty comedies, and love to see Ferris Bueller grown up.

DROP DEAD FRED. Okay, were me and my sister the only ones who have seen this? It seems to be an obscure film... a woman who's crazy ass imaginary friend comes back to befriend her as an adult. Sounds stupid, right? But the thing is.. Fred is friggin CRAZY. He cuts off her hair. Does other stupid shit. It really just sticks out as a crazy movie my sister & I always referenced...

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY. I finally saw this popular movie about 2 years ago. It gives me hope... who hasn't pondered the very questions they ask in the movie? I've learned clearly that men are incapable of creating friendships with women (yes the blame is solely on them). A resounding theme for all generations...

Now this is clearly a random list with not much thought into it. Scrape togeth $4.50, go to blockbuster, check some of these out, let me know how you feel them!

*I had more pics to upload, but I still do an old school dial up connection. Sorry!

Book Report: Flyy Girl & Them

2006-01-13T23:42:00.000-06:00

I recently read the third in a 'trilogy,' if you will. Or at least, the second sequel. You may have heard of the first of the series. It's a little book, a large urban phenomenon named Flyy Girl by Omar Tyree. Most black women who have read a book have likely read it. It's a classic, right up there with The Coldest Winter Ever. The two sequels that Tyree wrote after Flyy Girl are For the Love of Money and Boss Lady.

The second sequel, Boss Lady, was published just last year. I was very satisfied to finally see it in the library (yes, people actually go there). However, after finishing the book, I had to wonder what Tyree's agenda was...

You see, the first book Flyy Girl is really really good. It tells the story of Tracy, a young girl growing up in lower/middle class Philly. It kind of chronicles her relationships with different men from age 6 to age 18. She learns a lot about herself as she uses her feminen wyles to get what she wants from men. There is also a side story of her neighbors who are sisters--one who is too fly and too fast and ends up into drugs, the other a straight laced do-gooder who never has relationships. This was one of the first books to really tell the urban girl's story. Now I am clearly a suburban girl, but it still was a book that tells the African American girl's story.

So then, many years later, Tyree puts out a sequel. I remember thinking "Why?" The book Flyy Girl truly comes full circle. For the Love of Money was decent, but he added a twist in that the character "wrote" the first book Flyy Girl. So now she has all these fans of her book/life story and she is in Hollywood trying to become famous. A major thing that bothered me about this book was that it was told in the 1st person, and we are supposed to more so believe that Tracy is a real live person that is letting Tyree tell her story. Flyy Girl was told in the third person, which enabled you to gleen more of the world of Flyy Philly in the late 80s. The book was aiight, but no where near Flyy Girl. Pretty much was "Tracy is grown, dealing with crazy people in Hollywood."

Finally comes Boss Lady. "Why!!??" I think there clearly was no need. This book was told from Tracy's NIECE's point of view, as she convinces Tracy to turn her Flyy Girl story into a screenplay. Tracy is thus the Boss Lady telling people what to do. But you really don't know Tracy's motivations, because it is told through her neice's POV. WHAT IS THE POINT? Clearly Tyree just wanted to say "readers, please beg Hollywood to make Flyy Girl into a movie!" He must have repeated the same passages in the book a dozen times. I don't know how I got through it.

I as so mad I was duped into Tyree's hidden agenda! Although I'm sure there are tons of people who have asked him to make it a movie, did he really need to write a book just to gain support? The funny thing is, in the book, the niece creates a Flyy Girl website. I decide to check out Tyree's website, and sho' nuff, there is a tacky Flyy Girl website linked to his page! It basically promotes a magazine, which probably only had one production, and some other random stuff. Looks as though the projects on there have been abandoned.

So, these are basically my thoughts as a classic urban novel has been ruined over the course of a decade. The theme is to leave well enough alone...let legends live!

NOTPRON.COM

2006-01-07T20:46:00.000-06:00

Literally just found this.

It is very very hard. Only for the smartest with time on their hands.

Not your average riddler... www.notpron.com

You Should Peep...

2006-01-05T22:29:00.000-06:00

The Michael Baisden radio talk show, Love, Lust and Lies.

You may have heard of him. Author of the popular books The Maintenance Man, God's Gift to Women and the killer, Men Cry In The Dark. MCITD didn't really tell me why men cry in the dark... but it did expose that the have feelings just like humans should!

Love, Lust and Lies is an excellent talk show. Maybe even better than Tom Joyner & Co., maybe even better than Ryan Cameron & Co. (circa 107.9). I think what I love about it is the simplicity. Not a lot of random talk among the hosts, just Michael talking to the viewers. The best part is that it is a straight call-in show...you just don't see that everyday on the FM dial (at least the stations I listen to). It's the host connecting directly to the audience. He plays the ever-fantastic old school jams from our parents' generation, you get to listen to your share of smart and stupid people, and you get to hear about real issues: sex, infidelity, race relations, the prision industrial complex, gold diggers... he covers it all! He even brings neo-soul acts on the air.

Find it in your area and tune in! It plays in the afternoon in my area (another reason I love it, an option out of Billboard Top 40). Check it out: www.michaelbaisden.com/index/about.

Random Ones DBA "The First One in 2006"

2006-01-04T19:21:00.000-06:00

It's a part of my nature to reflect, analyze. I enjoyed parts of 2005. I hated even more. You would think I'd be ready for a new year? But this is the first year not attached to school.. just another fiscal year. I've never given a second thought as to what would happen to me in 2006. So, all in all, it's a little bittersweet.

No resolutions. Never was big on them.

My only consolation is that it's January.. my favorite month. Let's just hope an ice storm doesn't fuck up this birthday like last birthday. This year's celebration will take place in Atlanta; guess you could say it's a round 2.

Growing up, I always sought change in myself. Except I never was able to implement it; figured the change would just magically appear. Now as an adult I am stagnant. My main wonder is if 2006 will be the year to break the cycle.

Random Ones DBA "On My Mind..."

2005-12-20T00:50:00.000-06:00

- Georgia’s on my mind! Although I will only be doing a 48-hour hit and run a la Diddy, I will be making the most of it.

-I have no idea why my blog looks the way it does. I tried to contact Support to fix it. Who knows if they will. I can copy and paste HTML all day long, but fixing that is outside my realm.

-For all who missed it, there was a Law & Order: SVU marathon this last weekend. If you missed it, you missed out.

-I am so tired of the holiday season. It’s just big one contradiction. Spend a season in retail, and you will see what I’m talking about. It will change your views of the six weeks following Thanksgiving forever.

-My aunt persuaded me to make a list of ten things I want in the future. Material things that I want one day. I had a really hard time thinking of things. Thinking big is just not me. Damn my realistic mindset.

-The Gauntlet just isn’t poppin off. Thank goodness there will be something good tomorrow; we will finally find out who the Carver is!

-There are so many reasons I love facebook. Being an army brat, it’s been a great way to find and reconnect with so many faces. And I’ll admit I’m nosey. It’s always funny to notice when people suddenly become “single” or “in a relationship.”

-What happened to the male friend? What is wrong with the Y chromosome that they don’t know how to maintain a friendship with a female? It really is not that hard. Fuck the “tension.” True friends get over it and enjoy what you do have together, not worrying about the underlying. Really I think it all stems from the guy. That good ol’ Ladder Theory.

-Why must I wonder why? Am I the only one out there who likes to bring closure to the past, and actually confronts people to do it? I’m not talking about drama-filled confrontation, just getting the nerve to ask the simple question “why?” and “why not?”

-Christmas is never the same without Bonquisha. That’s one only for my folks from the 910 (NC). For all those who have never heard the “Bonquisha” song, you are so missing out! The worst part about it is that it doesn’t seem to be anywhere on the net.

-How do you ask your former best friend from high school if he turned out gay or not?

-Dude…people are still on Black Planet. People are still pimpin, hollerin, and caking on Black Planet. Another reason I thank God for facebook!

-Will they write about the War on Terror and Katrina in history books? Let me tell you how skewed that dang 9th grade history class was… in Canada, the kids are taught that the Canadian army helped the U.S. to win every single war the U.S. has been in. Clearly, we make no mention of this in our books. Guess it’s all in the eye of the beholder.

Bittersweetness, Example A

2005-12-15T13:53:00.000-06:00

I told him that he either has to be a good friend, or not one at all.
But he will always be him, whether in my life or not.
And when he is not, I will always wish him back in,
And when he is, I will always be wanting.
I'm probably crazy because
I told him that he either has to be a good friend, or not one at all...
Because he either is the One, or The One That Got Away;
he just doesn't know.

It's the Muthafuckin' Law (& Order)!

2005-12-13T23:54:00.000-06:00

So, last weekend I had my very own special run in with the law. Not just any law. Law & Order (insert theme here: duh-na, da-na-na-na, na, naaa).

Where I currently work, we take things in from customers to sell. About a week ago, a guy brought in an exercise machine - our most expensive item to date. The machine was on its way to be sold for $3000. That was, until, my bosses/business owners get this e-mail saying that the equipment was stolen (the very day it was to be sold). They talk to the police, and indeed, there is a full investigation going on (insert sad faces here). According to the e-mail sender, she was a former business partner with the man. They fell out, he left the business, and the day before he brought the Goods (that’s right, THA Goods) to us, he broke into her studio and stole the machine along with a bunch of other stuff. Not only can this former-wrestler move a 280-pound machine by himself, but he is said to be violent (Cue intense worry from bosses).

I don’t know why, but I laughed. I was excited. The cops were on their way to interview us, and all I could think was Damn, I wish someone was raped. See, what you don’t know is that I am a Law & Order junkie. And not just any L&O, but L&O: SVU. NBC, TNT, USA, CourtTV, I can watch it anytime, anywhere. Benson, Stabler, Munch, Finn, Huang…I love me some kidnapped kids and assaulted women. (Sidenote: I hate L&O: Criminal Intent. That one detective is such a friggin know-it-all! I am that only one that is borthered by that?) And here I was, on a normal weekday, getting my own special episode! Yessss! (Disclaimer: not meant to be insensitive, I’ve had fam that’s been raped).

Although I didn’t get to see the inside of an interrogation room, meet the DA Assistant, or the Asian psychiatrist, I did get to look at a line-up. Don’t worry, I fingered the guy. Dirty Bastard.

Faith & Instincts

2005-12-07T22:07:00.000-06:00

For those who don't know me very well...which would be most of the people reading this...I can be quite random.

I am a person who must know "Why." Why? I just am. God made me that way. I need the elaboration, justification. I need logic. Reasoning.

The questions lately on my mind are: When do we go with our heart over our head? When do we keep doing in faith, or let it all go in instinct?

Even I don't know if I am making sense. Supposedly, one should always keep trying. Keep working, keep the faith. Supposedly, if things are meant to happen, they will happen. If you build it, they will come. At what point do we invest faith in DOING SOMETHING ELSE?

In Another Life I'd..

2005-12-07T00:12:00.000-06:00

Be a metorologist. Step over Al!

Be a proud Duke graduate.

Rock it natural.

Still be a virgin.

Still be driving that Escort.

Be in ATL right now.

Gave it up back in high school.

Be in Med School.

Bank with someone actually national.

Take 4.75 years to graduate.

Wouldn't have been in the wedding.

Be an low-grade alchoholic.

Stuck with accounting.. and paid attention.

Likely be married.

Never met any of them.. niggas.

Choices. Fuck 'em.

First, Last & Now

2005-12-04T22:46:00.000-06:00

Can't really decide on what to blog about.. came across this and I'm a sucka for surveys..

*First*
First job: Cashier @ Rose's Discount Store, Summer '99
First screen name: AngryViewr. Thought it was pretty nifty, off of the old MTV show 12 Angry Viewers
First funeral: My grandfather, November 2000
First pet: Fish, of course
First piercing: Ears, 1990
First tattoo: On leg, 2001
First credit card: Some Visa I got freshman year
First kiss: In my boyfriend's eclipse outside of FunFunFun, lol. October '99
First enemy: I love my sisters so much at times I hate them.

*Last*
Last car ride: Riding somewhere with my aunt and cousins
Last kiss: May 2005. How sad is that?
Last movie watched: Coach Carter
Last beverage drank: Water
Last food consumed: Spaghetti
Last phone call: To TNKM
Last time showered: This morning
Last CD played: 2005 Spring Break Mix #2
Last website visited: I stole this from blackthought.blogdrive.com

*Now*
Single or taken: Single
Gender: Female
Birthday: 01.29
Sign: Aquarius*
Siblings: Older and younger sisters
Hair color: Dark brown
Eye color: Dark brown
Shoe size: 7.5
Height: 5'3
Wearing: An Old Navy thermal and comfy pants
Thinking about: Constantly wondering the meaning of life.

Feel free to post your own in comments, steal, whatever.

Simple Things Everyone Should Know About Shopping In A Mall

2005-11-29T12:40:00.000-06:00

1. Pay attention to what's going on around you. Is someone trying to walk faster to get passed you? Are you about to hit a little kid with your thousands of bags? Get the fuck outta the way!

2. Point #1 would entail you to not walk too slowly. There are millions of people in the mall, trying to get to different stores. It is not time to diddle daddle and mosey on along the yellow brick road.

3. Never ever just stop in the middle of the hallway. Niggas could get hurt.

4. Don't come into a store just to talk. The employees don't really give a fuck if you are lonely and come to the mall for conversation. It's retail, they are only in it for the dollas.

5. Never walk into the store and act all amazed, exclaiming "wow" and shit. The employees don't really care how impressed you are with their product. Keep it to yourself, and keep ya jaw shut cuz your mouth is open.

6. Do not ask simple minded questions to the employees. Comments such as "Wow how do you work here?" "Omiiigosh I could never work here!" "Do you get tired of the product?" are heard at least 5 times a day and are old. Keep to the mission at hand: purchasing.

7. Escalators. They seem to be tricky for some people. Do not slow down or stop as soon as you are about to get on or off. Niggas could get hurt; furthermore, people really don't want to run into you. So why are you stopping? There are tons of people behind you who know how to use it properly. Consider the elevator.

8. It's okay to use strollers on the escalator if you know what you are doing. However, if you are slowing down the escalator traffic we must assume you don't know what you are doing, and are in violation of point #7. I have seen a muthafucka's stroller tip, causing the baby to fall while riding down the escalator..be smart people!

9. If your child is under the age of 15, s/he does not need to be in the mall alone. You think your kids are well-behaved, fine. Once they congregate into groups of 3 or more they turn stupid and incapable of making decisions. Additionally, they don't have any money, so why are they at the mall? Maybe they have $5.. then urge those over 16 to stick to stores they can actually utilize their $5. There is definitely a problem when a group of 8,9, and 10 year olds are hanging out at the mall by themselves. They are way too young to be alone and will get snatched one of these days.

10. There is no dress code for the mall, but take into consideration shopping is part excercise. Wear fitting clothing and shoes for a lot walking. Nothing too short or excessively tight. Heels over 3 inches probably aren't going to do you much good. Although the mall does have a social aspect to it, this should not be your only reason for perusing the mall and thus you should under no circumstances be dressed for the club, homecoming formals, or prom. But do make sure to wash your face, comb your hair, and brush your teeth.

11. Some people like to go the mall in groups of four or more. That is fine, but there is no reason for these groups to be walking shoulder to shoulder down the hallway. There is no way your conversation can carry from one end to the other. Furthermore, it is inconsiderate to those trying to navigate around you. Be aware of the shoppers trying to get around you, and walkers who seem to be walking into you in the opposite direction. Try something simple: move the fuck out of the way! You are in violation, you need to do the yeilding. One of these days yall simple asses are gonna get popped.

12. Realize that the mall is dirty. Your children should not be putting their mouths on any glass window or structure.

13. Be courteous to sales associates. If they say hello, say hello back. If you do not answer the first time and they say hello again, that's a clue that you were rude and need to speak. It's a simple gesture of ettiquette, and they may/may not pester you into buying something. Furthermore, it's their job: suck it up bitch.

14. Do not ask questions rhetorically/out loud about prices or other specifics of products. The sales associates are there for a reason, and they know more about the product than you. Never assume you know more; you are likely wrong. This may be news to some of you folk, but the customer is not always right.

15. Don't keep your money in your bra. That is nasty and unsanitary, and no one wants boob cooties.

16. If you cough or sneeze, be aware you a spreading germs. Try not to utilize the hand you coughed into to hand over money.

Worried you are using wrong mall etiquette? Feel free to ask and I will let you know...

I.M-lightenment

2005-11-27T22:27:00.000-06:00

Above all, I enjoy a good conversation. However, they are hard to come by recently. I recently had a really good IM conversation.. like one that went on for over an hour! A definite rarity.

Learned a lot and learned once again, that truth is bitter.

Anotha1: Never.really.had.female.friends
Anotha1: Tellin.u.man.I.aint.normal
Anotha1: Always.felt.too.much.sexual.tension.between.me.and.my.female.friends
Tea: so, i can't just have this deep long as convo with you and not pretend it didn't happen
Tea: lol
Anotha1: For.real
Tea: you must care for some females more that others..
Anotha1: I've.always.had.a.way.with.women
Tea: okay, no need to blow yourself up
Anotha1: Ever.sense.I.was.little.even.female.teachers
Anotha1: I'm.just.venting
Tea: what! even teachers.. crazy!
Tea: so after all this talk.. it changes nothing?
Anotha1: Okay.I'm.talkin.to.this.girl.who.goes.to.gstate
Anotha1: But.she's.not.special
Tea: then why you talkin to her? she must have something
Anotha1: I.know.that's.what.u.been.waitin.to.hear
Tea: yes.. :D
Anotha1: Nope.just.a.random.relationship
Tea: like.. why. there must have been something that attracted u
Anotha1: Purely.physical.but.now.I.don't.be.wantin.to.do.it.all.the.time.and.she.be.stressin.me
Tea: hm. that ain't good. just tell her it's not working out and to leave u alone. be honest. every nigga is too scared to be simple and honest about it.
Anotha1: And.I.know.I'm.just.going.to.end.up.hurting.her.and.I.don't.want.to
Anotha1: Its.not.that.simple.wit.me
Tea: if you do what i say, it will be simple and less hurtful. the worst in when a person just ups and stops talking to you
Anotha1: I.know.
Anotha1: But.its.hard.to.stop.talkin.to.someone.and.try.to.explain.why.and.you.don't.know.yourself
Anotha1: Not.easy.
Anotha1: Especially.if.your.doin.it.so.u.won't.hurt.them.later
Tea: yeah but it's good enough to be real about it and just say you don't want it anymore. when people just end it with no explanation, its like they didn't value it in the first place. just saying it is way more respectful, and really more mature.
Tea: but no one is every up front about that stuff. and so it's a never ending cycle our generation participates in
Anotha1: Like....I'm.hurtin.u.a.little.now.so.I.won't.hurt.u.a.lot.later.understand.good.seeyah
Anotha1: Like.I'm.starvin.myself.now.so.I.won't.have.to.shit.later
Anotha1: It.doesn't.make.sense
Tea: it's not about the hurt, though. its a bout a relationship that isn't working. of course its gonna hurt but those things always hurt so who cares? its life
Anotha1: So.why.have.them
Tea: i think you are building it up to be too much. yall just fucking or whatever it is. you don't want to do it anymore. end story
Tea: u said so yourself that she wasn't special. i think the point is to have them with people who are special
Anotha1: No.man.its.never.that.simple.
Tea: then it's going to be a bit more worth it (even if you get detached in the end)
Anotha1: You.think.you.would.have.been.cool.wouldn't.have.asked.no.questions.and.just.said.aight.
Anotha1: There.is.no.simple.end.story
Tea: it is! maybe i'm just cynical but it is. i'm never going to take a relationship to be more than that from now on. unless ya'll are serious (which you all aren't) it's a given that its simple: we are into each other while its good; as soon as we lose interest it's over. that's the way relationships are nowadays
Anotha1: T.ur.not.being.real

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted (MH)?

2005-11-21T22:45:00.000-06:00

Can you really believe someone who says that you broke their heart?

First of all, I'm cute as button and as sweet as honey... okay maybe not so sweet but I'm not a heart-breaker. I've been in many an emotional relationship, but the person I remember getting hurt was ME.

So, MH likes to call me up (usually after I have tried to get in touch several times), and reminisce over the short times we have shared together. Then, every once in awhile he even tries to allude to us having a relationship.. never mind we are even futher apart now then we were then.

It's really sweet. THe thought of it, I mean. When I first met him there was a mutual attraction to each other.. an infectious infatuation. But after time, he started doing that stupid boy shit... the usual obvious "I'm Not That Into You" stuff. You know, only calling once a week. Okay, so I guess that's about it. HE NEVER CALLED (and yes, I did call him). So I did what any normal 20-something would do in an involuntary casual relationship would do...I said "whatever" and mixed and mingled! I was quite surprised that when he learned this, he was upset. I was hurt, but justifitied. A signal.. or lack of one.. is a signal none the least.

Apprently, he liked me a lot (but never called). Since then we drifted apart... there has always been this rift. We've seen each other, but it was never like that first time.

So now he calls and reminisces. Yet I don't even think he knows how many sisters I have... where I was born...when my birthday is...who my best friend is. He never really asks the important questions.. or much at all. I carry the conversation. But there is something still there.

I feel like I'm trying, but he isn't. He will say he is. He will remind me I broke his heart, but I won't believe him.

Bittersweetness.

PSA: Kids R Cute! Claim Your Kids!

2005-11-16T23:22:00.000-06:00

You think you know someone...have shared many a conversation with them...maybe go down separate paths for a while..

Only to find out they have a child!

What is wrong with folk today? Especially young Black men in Atlanta. I have heard notorious stories of men with "hidden children" back in their hometowns.

I don't understand the need to "hide" or "leave out the truth" about children. Yes, people don't need to know everything, but your child is your family. When you are asked about the makeup of your family, you should include him/her. If you are asked what you did when you visited your folks, you should mention you visited your child. When your baby momma comes to town so the child can see his/her father, you should be truthful.

I believe women of today's young generation are understanding. Shoot, we are almost used to it. It is surprising to meet a 33-yr old without children. It may be more desirable, but we are also accepting. Better yet, we understand and some of us even like kids!

In short, it's not really such a big deal. If you are afraid to tell your love interest about your child, if anything telling that person should serve as a test. A woman with true character really trying to get to know you would accept the fact that you are a father, and perhaps see that you are even a more dynamic person because of it.

The One, The Only. . . Soulmate

2005-11-12T23:08:00.000-06:00

How many times have we heard this before?

Q: "How Will I Know He/She is the One?"

A: "You Just Know."

It sounds so simple. But my overanalytical ass will up and miss out on that shit. I often wonder if I will find love with someone I already know and love as just a friend right now. For some reason, though, I can't imagine it. I really think I, and they, would have to become slightly different people, because as we are right now, I'm not feelin it.

Thus, this leaves the task on someone I have not met yet. My plan has been to date my future husband for at the VERY LEAST 2 years (preferably 3 or 4), then have about a 9-month engagement. Seeing as the original plan didn't work out (meeting this guy in college, being married at 24, kids by 26), we will VERY likely have kids in the first 2 years (as I will undoubtedly be old by then).

I recently took a (pretty short) poll of my two older, married coworkers. I asked, "How long did you know your husband before you all got married?" Both of these women are in their 40s, with 20something-year-old kids. They are making it, and they seem happy. That is a lot to say for such a divorce-clad society we live in.

One woman said she and her husband dated for a couple of months, then got engaged, married 6 months later.

My other coworker worked with her husban for a year, only knowing each other through business phone conversations. They finally met; he lived in Denver, she in Houston. A month after meeting she transfers to Denver, a few months later they are marred.

The same goes for another coworker's parents.... met, married in the next 6 months, if not the same season! They are still married.

And my parents.. met at a summer party in July '78... eloped in October. But of course, I don't know the whole story.. but I think they were bored one night and just decided to road trip and get married. Happily Divorced.

Last but not least, another coworker, aged 23. She went out with some guy for a year or so, had a bad break up. She decides to pack up and move to the West Coast. A few months later she is dating a new guy when the ex comes for a weekend visit. Sometime over the weekend, they decide to see a justice of peace and get married. Now they have a 5-month old ADORABLE child.

For some reason, it sounds okay for the old folks to do this. But her story just sounds CRAZY. I hope it works out, but you kinda go "I wouldn't be surpised if..."

But why oh why are there so many Baby Boomer stories like this? Did this many people so easily find their soul mates? I guess "Crazy In Love" had a much more serious meaning back then...

Now-a-days, Crazy in Love means ya'll are probably having all kinds of sex and drama. Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with our generation. I can say that we have been affected by being the products of "50% divorce rate" parents. Our women are way more independent. Our men, perhaps more passive. Let's not even touch on different cultural factors...

The story is still out on if our generation will "find love." I think the world has taught us NOT to trust, and this will surface in our (future) marriage rate.

Maybe many of us have already met our soul mates, and if we lived in 1975, we would have fallen in love and married them. However, because we are in 2005, instead we choose to question/distrust our futures with them, hold out for "something better," or are just too busty to worry about the soul mate at all.

We Will Never Know.. Until We "Just Know."

The Real O.C.

2005-11-09T21:28:00.000-06:00

There's this little show called Laguna Beach that comes on MTV. It's not my favorite show, but I watch it. I am not proud of this fact.

When the show first premiered last year, I scoffed. At this time I was an "O.C." fan. I truly didn't see the point of this "fake ass O.C." show, and was tired of seeing rich white kids flaunt their wealth on MTV. That was of course, at a time when I had nice distractions like classes, parties, and working.

I have a bit more time on my hands, but I had managed to ignore Laguna Beach, even though they play it A MILLION TIMES A WEEK on MTV.

Then one day I watched it, and it was over. Like that IronMan guy who collapsed, a total train wreck. I wouldn't say I was/am hooked, just intriguely interested. The only name I could really keep up with was Kirsten, Jason, and Steven. The other million blondes seemed to look alike, of they all had the same names.

About 4 weeks later, I've been able to pretty much catch up on the season thanks to MTVs "run-it-to-death" rerun policy.

I still don't like the show, and what it stands for. It's very set-up by producers. ... but for some reason I care that LC is still with Jason. I care that Kirsten showed her face at LC's party and didn't even speak to the host. And I care that Jessica is the dumbest blonde on the whole show. I might even care if they make a 3rd season..

GO TEAM LC!

The Blog Kingdom & Not-So-Random Thoughts

2005-11-07T21:54:00.000-06:00

I haven't blogged in a long while. But really, I love blogs. I read them all the time. I prefer blogs of people I know, or can relate to. It's kind of a secret thing though. Not that I am ashamed of it, but the only people I personally know into this kind of thing are my sisters.

Something attracts me to blogging. I have always been a reader at heart. I think it is something about learning other folks' perspectives. And I, for some innate reason, want my perspective to be heard. But the thing about blogging is, you have no idea if your shit is being read. I hate to think this page just sits out there in space, never getting looked at, just targeted for those damn comment-marketers (by the way, fuck ya'll and leave my blog alone!).

I think my motives for this blog has changed. I am going through such a hard time right now. Nothing is what it should be. I look at others, and can't help but compare. And people think I am looking at monetary shit. No, it's other simple shit, about where we are in life. Life is full of comparison. Those who say you shouldn't just seem.. disillusioned to me.

Hopefully I can use this blog for some kind of outlet. I am not the most optimistic person. I am not perfect. I complain a lot. I watch a lot of TV. I am stressed. What is there to do?

Disturbance of Ignorance

2005-09-11T22:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I observed something that shook me to its core.

Place: Stonebriar Mall, an upcoming & coming popular mall outside of Dallas, Texas
Date: Saturday, September 10th--the busiest day of the week for the mall
Time: Approximately 3:40 PM

What: A high school boy walking around with his parents and friends. His companions were holding cameras. Everyone was smiling.

The catch is that the boy had smeared Black makeup all of his face, neck and hands (he wore a long sleeved shirt). Dark sunglasses covered his eyes, and he wore a black afro on his head.

This group was able to aimlessley walk about the mall with little hesitation and disturbance.

A WHITE BOY IN BLACK FACE AT THE MALL. MODERN DAY MINSTREL.

Why: It was a game.

That is what the group told me when I approached them. More so, I voiced my disgust with their blatant ignorance.

Quote of the day: "We are not offended by Michael Jackson!"

Yes, this was used in defense of the boy, by the boy's mother.

I think Lawrence Fishburn said it best: WAKE UP!!!!!!!!

Favorite Lyrics I

2005-09-09T23:04:00.000-05:00

Song: Singing My Song
Artist: Christina Aguilera
Album: Stripped

Oohhh, Yeah, Oooh Huh
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
& Nobody's gonna bring me down today
Been feeling like nothings been going my way lately
So I decided right here and now that my outlooks gotta change

That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye to all the tears I've cried
For everytime somebody hurt my pride
Feeling like they won't let me live life
& Take the time to look at what is mine

I see every lesson completely
I thank God for what I got from above

I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace

They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on
Keep on singing my song

I never wanna dwell on my pain again
There's no use in reliving how I hurt back then
Remembering all of the hell I felt when I was running out of faith
Every step I vowed to take was towards a better day

Cos I'm about to
Say goodbye to every single lie
& All the fears I've held too long inside
Everytime I felt I could try
All the negativity I had inside
For too long I've been struggling. I couldn't go on
But now I've found I'm feeling strong and moving on

I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on
I'm gonna keep on singing my song

Whoa, & everytime I tried to be what they wanted from me
It never came naturally
So I ended up in misery, wasn't able to see
All the good around me
They wasted so much energy on what they thought of me
Simply just remembering to breathe

I'm human, I ain't able to please
Everyone at the same time, so now I find
My peace of mind living one day at a time

I'm human and I answer to one god
It comes down to one love
Until I get to heaven above
I've made the decision Never to give up
Til the I day I die no matter what

I'm gonna carry on & keep on singing my song.....

(They can't take anything from me)
I believe that they can do what they wanna. Say what they wanna say
(They can say what they wanna)
But I'm gonna keep on (Keep on )I believe it

That they can take from me
But they can't take my inner peace
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Say what you wanan say, but I'm gonna sing my song
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Although I have never been in this direct situation, the song is inspirational as hell and Christina sings her heart out!

If I Saw You Tomorrow...

2005-09-07T23:13:00.000-05:00

Could I kiss you right away?
Or would that be too much to soon?

Would you hold my hand?
But did you hold someone else's last night?

Could you look into my eyes and just see me and no one else?
But did you do the same last night?

I think of you in my tomorrows.. do you?

Long Distance Relationships...

2005-09-05T23:14:00.000-05:00

Talked to an old high school friend last night. MustardMan, my senior year prome date. He told me "You would be my girlfriend if you weren't so far away." Yet, he talks to a girl who lives 5 hours away.. much more feasible in his eyes I guess.

I have another friend, Sakiru, who swears off LDRs. Many of his relationships have ended because the girl moved away. I think part of it stems from the fact that he is afraid to fly.

I have had some significant relationship with people who lived in other cities. The first one was freshman year. I met a guy before I started school, and we continued being close friends (and running up phone bills) for that first semester. By second semester though, I realized that we were distinctly from different worlds...

Then, last summer, there was the ManBoy. Man I was infatuated with some ManBoy. He lived only an hour and half away, and his family was in Atlanta, so it wasn't like we would never see each other. But when school started things changed. People get busy. Now he lives in my family's hometown, and I live in his mother's town. Definitely ironic. And now he calls, asking when are we going to see each other. Shit, I'm broke, holla back!

I guess the question is, do Long Distance Relationships really work? They definitely involve a WHOLE LOT of trust and communication. It is likely much easier to think "fuck him" when he pisses you off from 600 miles away. There's someone I could see myself taking the plunge with... but it would have to be Long Distance. And it sucks, because in the mean time he dates around. Anytime now he could find that girl he wants to take more serious. That girl could have been me, if I'd just stayed in town...

My Favorite Tennis Star

2005-09-05T17:03:00.000-05:00

This week is the U.S. Open. It's on in one of the rooms of the house. I am about to change the stations when all of a sudden it hits me... "Blake".. as in James Blake? Only perhaps the finest man to ever play tennis? Yup, it's him! And I must be his good luck charm, because he started winning (from a comeback) as soon as I started watching. :)

The Analyst

2005-09-02T21:30:00.000-05:00

I have a friend that loves some nicknames. I, myself, have gone through many. "Afghanistani" "Sniffler".. and now, "Eco!" Short for Economist.. because I analyze too damn much!

Which is true. I can analyze any personal issue to death. It's a hindrance I think, but at the same time it is what makes me special.

I guess this issue takes importance today because I've spent a whole day analyzing everything about my life's current issues... what to do, how much to spend, how to help hurricane displacements... I really could drive myself crazy.

And, of course of course of course, I analyze about my love life! Well, romantic life. Well, my intereactions with men, as there is no love and very little romance in my life right now. I think about those who came into my life in college.. people I have the chance to get to know better now. At this point in my life, it's very stupid to even worry about men. But yet, there is always a yearning for companionship. It is especially hard because I am living in a city I don't want to be in. I really don't want to get to know anyone.. I want my old friends! My old romantic interests! Some of those stories aren't over yet...

I Was Gonna Name my Child Katrina..

2005-09-01T23:37:00.000-05:00

Guess that idea is shot.

All day, all I can think about is the horror and devastation. Usually, stuff in the news doesn't really affect me. I mean, I sympathize like any good person. But this one takes the cake. It's over the top. I am in shock... I am hurt. Worse, I am glued to the skewered coverage.

The AUC is home to so many folks from the Nawlins. I always wanted to go to Mardi Gras, The Essence Music Festival...

Well, that's a wrap.

My Friend the BBQ Master said it best.. "The city is GONE.. a city has been destroyed by a natural disaster like that since.. since.. POMPEII!!!"

Mutha fuckin POMPEII, people. I studied Latin in school. I know all about them times. POMPEII ain't around any more, man.

So today I ran into two young people from Nawlins. They told me their house is gone. Just a mere thought. They were holed up at the Embassy Suites, with just a few days' worth of clothes. No car. The nearest thing was the mall at which I worked (across the street from the hotel). They had stacks of applications in their hands.. looking for a job.

I told them I would help. Drive them where they needed to maybe go. Hopefully help them find some food that was not served complimentary. It's a bit of risk.. but they seem harmless. I talked to Nikki tonight. It was so.. normal. She didn't sound devastated. She sounded pretty adjusted actually. It was kind of funny... no, IRONIC. If I had come to Nawlins, visiting, passed her on the street.. I'm sure we would have been from 2 different worlds, paid each other no mind.

RANDOM: Who gave Ray J a third chance at an album??

I guess I'm finding a way to help in the little way that I can. I'm motherfriggin broke, living check to check. I need a job. The last thing I need is to stress about these folks, but I can't help but watch in despair. We'll see how it goes.

Y the Hell Not?

2005-09-01T01:26:00.000-05:00

I shall write in the Georgia font, since I miss the state so..

Everyone's doing it. I've never been one for peer pressure, but what the hell? I was a late bloomer.

Never been one for journals/diaries... they never lasted long, too girly...

So we'll see how we do.

Katrina, Katrina, Katrina.
Girl, you done left a mess. Prayers & help are needed. My thoughts are with all of you...