The When Harry Met Sally Debate: A Case Study
Case 1: M.O.B.
My best friend from the 8th grade on. My running partner. Arguably we were the most “destined to succeed” African-American male and female in my class.
He never was one for the ladies. It made sense to even wonder (to this day) if possibly he would swing the other way. Nonetheless, for many years we were two peas in a pod, him my closest confidant. In the spring of ’99, however, I started getting attention from one of the most well-liked boys in school… a star football player who apparently admired me from far away. We ended up exchanging numbers and a few months later were classified “boyfriend-girlfriend.”
I was afraid to tell M.O.B. I think it took me two weeks after the fact. Of course he had already heard, but he had never brought it up. Senior year I was single come prom time. I knew he wanted to ask me, but I didn’t want to spend my last prom with someone I never considered myself physically attracted to. So my method to turn him down? Avoidance, until I could secure a date with another friend.
We reserved pages worth for each other in the yearbooks.. went off to college… spoke maybe every six months the first few semesters, only to slowly obliterate into nothing. From what I have heard he possibly had a really hard time the end of sophmore year, dropped out, now sells car. It pains that he didn’t call on me to support him through a rough time. I still have mad love for him.. unfortunately, when I call he doesn’t answer.
Case 2: The Less than a Boyfriend More than a Crush
Met him through a friend freshman year. It was near the end of the semester, when everyone gets the itch to get that one last good holla to last them through the summer. We really were introduced through a friend over the phone, so it was maybe a week of phone convos till we met in person. He was the first man I ever stayed the whole night with (a fact I never realized that until I wrote it… of course it only occurred because his Resident Director was guarding the only exit all night.)
The summer came with weekly phone calls. Much anticipation when the school year started. Definitely kept up the friend M.O. for a few weeks till he went for it…He quickly became the subject of my naïve dreams of a college love. Our relationship was one that others my age have experienced… last minute plans, plenty of “kicking it.” But the comfort of knowing each other was there. However, one day I got tired of being in the undefined and gave up, and moved on. Phone calls stopped. Although at random times we gave it another low-effort try, it never was the same. Another friendship gone.
Case 3: Detroit P.B.
Another one met freshman year, very randomly one of the first weeks there. We’d go on to see each other not very often, ask each other how we were doing, what was up for the weekend in that courteous way. Same thing sophomore year. Then I moved in with a friend he used to party with junior year. Now we had more in common. The summer before junior year we had many a good late night conversation, talking about life, love and everything in between. Strictly on the friend stick. We weren’t really confidants, just had luv for each other.
Spring of junior year, invite him over since I’d hung out at his place before. Him and friend bring the liquor. We enjoy a drinking game and good laughs. We somehow seclude ourselves and cross that line that liquor blurs. Its stopped before it gets too sticky, and a few months later we are still keeping up with each other.
We didn’t talk much senior year, becoming busy living the senior life. I call him up one weekend near the end of the semester. Bored out my mind, invite him over. I’m surprised he has the time to talk, let alone accept. He brings over a great movie. We watch, and fall into an easy conversation afterward. And somehow, over the course of four hours, the line gets crossed again. Without the liquor..its not so surprising this time. Yet I’m not one to ruin a friendship. He doesn’t spend the night. Afterwards, I’d be lying if I didn’t hope to spend more time with him. But he’s busy, enjoying a newfound shine. So I once again move on. However, this time its different. The friendship never again assumes its once easy delivery. There’s a bit more to this story that may have affected his actions, but in its essence is a friendship that died.
There are several more cases to add to this file. I have always enjoyed my friendships with men. Not all led to romance like the ones above. I’m the type to keep reaching out.. .either to resume or find closure in a relationship. My only answer to the deaths of these relationships is that the men chose to end them. Was I not hot enough? Was I not trusting enough? Is there no value in my friendship?
Is. It. Me?
Today, I count two men as good friends I consistently talk to. I went to high school with both of them, so in essence it’s a long-distance relationship. Is that the key? Or is that the sad state of affairs I find myself in?
I ask to you, the reader, can a man be friends with a woman?
My best friend from the 8th grade on. My running partner. Arguably we were the most “destined to succeed” African-American male and female in my class.
He never was one for the ladies. It made sense to even wonder (to this day) if possibly he would swing the other way. Nonetheless, for many years we were two peas in a pod, him my closest confidant. In the spring of ’99, however, I started getting attention from one of the most well-liked boys in school… a star football player who apparently admired me from far away. We ended up exchanging numbers and a few months later were classified “boyfriend-girlfriend.”
I was afraid to tell M.O.B. I think it took me two weeks after the fact. Of course he had already heard, but he had never brought it up. Senior year I was single come prom time. I knew he wanted to ask me, but I didn’t want to spend my last prom with someone I never considered myself physically attracted to. So my method to turn him down? Avoidance, until I could secure a date with another friend.
We reserved pages worth for each other in the yearbooks.. went off to college… spoke maybe every six months the first few semesters, only to slowly obliterate into nothing. From what I have heard he possibly had a really hard time the end of sophmore year, dropped out, now sells car. It pains that he didn’t call on me to support him through a rough time. I still have mad love for him.. unfortunately, when I call he doesn’t answer.
Case 2: The Less than a Boyfriend More than a Crush
Met him through a friend freshman year. It was near the end of the semester, when everyone gets the itch to get that one last good holla to last them through the summer. We really were introduced through a friend over the phone, so it was maybe a week of phone convos till we met in person. He was the first man I ever stayed the whole night with (a fact I never realized that until I wrote it… of course it only occurred because his Resident Director was guarding the only exit all night.)
The summer came with weekly phone calls. Much anticipation when the school year started. Definitely kept up the friend M.O. for a few weeks till he went for it…He quickly became the subject of my naïve dreams of a college love. Our relationship was one that others my age have experienced… last minute plans, plenty of “kicking it.” But the comfort of knowing each other was there. However, one day I got tired of being in the undefined and gave up, and moved on. Phone calls stopped. Although at random times we gave it another low-effort try, it never was the same. Another friendship gone.
Case 3: Detroit P.B.
Another one met freshman year, very randomly one of the first weeks there. We’d go on to see each other not very often, ask each other how we were doing, what was up for the weekend in that courteous way. Same thing sophomore year. Then I moved in with a friend he used to party with junior year. Now we had more in common. The summer before junior year we had many a good late night conversation, talking about life, love and everything in between. Strictly on the friend stick. We weren’t really confidants, just had luv for each other.
Spring of junior year, invite him over since I’d hung out at his place before. Him and friend bring the liquor. We enjoy a drinking game and good laughs. We somehow seclude ourselves and cross that line that liquor blurs. Its stopped before it gets too sticky, and a few months later we are still keeping up with each other.
We didn’t talk much senior year, becoming busy living the senior life. I call him up one weekend near the end of the semester. Bored out my mind, invite him over. I’m surprised he has the time to talk, let alone accept. He brings over a great movie. We watch, and fall into an easy conversation afterward. And somehow, over the course of four hours, the line gets crossed again. Without the liquor..its not so surprising this time. Yet I’m not one to ruin a friendship. He doesn’t spend the night. Afterwards, I’d be lying if I didn’t hope to spend more time with him. But he’s busy, enjoying a newfound shine. So I once again move on. However, this time its different. The friendship never again assumes its once easy delivery. There’s a bit more to this story that may have affected his actions, but in its essence is a friendship that died.
There are several more cases to add to this file. I have always enjoyed my friendships with men. Not all led to romance like the ones above. I’m the type to keep reaching out.. .either to resume or find closure in a relationship. My only answer to the deaths of these relationships is that the men chose to end them. Was I not hot enough? Was I not trusting enough? Is there no value in my friendship?
Is. It. Me?
Today, I count two men as good friends I consistently talk to. I went to high school with both of them, so in essence it’s a long-distance relationship. Is that the key? Or is that the sad state of affairs I find myself in?
I ask to you, the reader, can a man be friends with a woman?
posted by T @ 9:55 PM
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