I just realized I got my face cracked. I have officially embarrassed myself. Nothing I can’t get over, but still, it happened minimally. Remember my long distance like (not love) connection? Well 3 weeks ago I booked a ticket to ATL not only to visit my friends/family but to actually see him in person, too. You know, cause the phone thing gets old. To see if maybe the spark would die in person. Cause, why not? So he has friends that come to town too. A few weeks ago, it was kind of like “darn” cause clearly I wanted to stay with him! Somewhere in college we all learned to love the co-ed sleepover. But anyways, he decides to at the last minute to have a cookout. The friend I am staying with actually introduced us, so it’s a given we are going in this will be the first time I see him since we first met; the first time we see each other in broad daylight; the first time we see each other not enhanced by alcohol. Admittedly I was nervous. My friend didn’t really help since she loved to say things like “aww we are going to see your boo,” etc. Was he even my boo? I know I had a little inkling of something for him, but really I had no idea how he felt. I knew he flirted every random once in awhile on the phone, but does that really mean something? I was hoping to find out on this trip. We get to his apartment and have a loose hug (me: “huh?”). We get settled in, the liquor starts flowing. He’s busy playing host, but he does check in with me a little. Somewhere along the way some of us start playing the card game BS. As we set up, I decide to be a little social (me? Shy, mean ol’ me, social? I know it was a big step) and talk to the guy who had just arrived. “So how do you know My Long Distance Like Connection?”
“Well let’s see… his girlfriend is my girlfriend’s sister.”(me: “huh? WhAt? (a la Lil John)”) Whatever little hunch punch high I had at the time sunk, but I pretty much rolled it off. I wasn’t going to act completely moody since we were nothing more than friends. I ended up at one point removed a bit from the gaggle of people and I get a text on my phone. He wrote “Everything okay?” I write back “I’m kind of disappointed.” He made his way over to me and I wait for the right moment when everyone else is in there own world to ask “Do you have a girlfriend?”
Wait for it….
“Well, kind of. A pretend girlfriend.” There were a few more words after that, but clearly that line takes the case. Basically him and some girl are on a break. It’s a party so there is not much time to talk about it right then.
Drinks later and the night is near its end. I pretty much make sure that I get a lil one-on-one with him and go outside to talk to him (god I hate being a female, things like this suck). I want more answers as to what is going with the girl. She lives in a different state, and she is not sure what she wants, so he is not sure if its meant to be since he knows what he wants. I’m too unsober to critically think about this, but basically she has called for the break in this relationship and so for the past two months he has just been waiting around to see where it goes. Only he is not just waiting, he is taking the time to mingle elsewhere. I realize all this when I get back to Texas. In my unsober state, I can only realize that this relationship is not as simple as I had fantasized, and I am only confused as to where I fit in. Had we not discussed making trips to see each other? Had he not flirted with me? Had we not posed the types of questions to each other that usually you only pose to people you are feeling out for a future with? Did he not give me the Best Compliment Ever? The thing is, he had. The night at this point was not over, and in my unsober state I had not given up. At this point I think from both of us there was still something. He ends up giving me a ride home. I don’t really care about the girl and I don’t want the night to end for I think we both had found my answer: the connection was there. I want to talk the rest of the night. I want to hug, kiss, cause shit, who knows when this will happen for me again? But the the night does have to end, and I do get a quick peck on the lips. He tells me he is holding himself back, and to do more would make him an asshole. We make plans to hang the next day. We don’t hang the next day. In fact we don’t even get a chance to talk till two hours ago. I was okay with not talking to him on Sunday – he did have folks in town, I was flying out and had my own people to see. But by Monday night I was a bit mad, confused, and realizing that this was turning out just like all other relationships turn out. I have had the time to critically think about the situation and realize that he is waiting on the other girl. What I can’t figure out is why. In our conversation today I still don’t really see why. He says that he is trying to do something different than he usually does and instead of giving up he is going to be a bit patient with this other relationship. Understandable. But at the same time I don’t hear a guy in love. But he must be, because then why would he wait? As I type this I realize I don’t fully understand his answer to this. He even said something to the effect that at this point it wasn’t love. He truly is showing that he indeed has layers that will take time to peel back and know. There is more to the story, I just wish he would tell me. In our conversation, he also says that he wants to be sure he didn’t lead me on to think that this weekend was going to be something more from him. Nooo, of course he didn’t lead me on. I just lead myself on, as we females tend to do. When he says this, I’m kind of realizing that this is the turning point of the relationship. We may be doomed for just friends territory. Even if the other girl doesn’t work out, he may not come to me since we have already come to a “do or die point.” That sucks. And my face is officially cracked. Today he tells me he has lots of friends that he talks to a lot. Apparently I am just one of them. Friend. But Saturday night… we kissed. That night he said he had to hold himself back. More than a friend. AND I CAN’T HELP BUT TO THINK: if I had never asked “How do you know him?” how would things have turned out? I’m sure it wouldn’t have been the turnaround to “friends” I’m experiencing now. Is he lying to himself? Am I wrong to think that there was more to us? Am I allowed to hope a little that I can still steal him away? But that’s the thing, I shouldn’t have to steal him away. He should like me enough to want me, and want me enough to finally be done with her. Before him, men were the last thing on my mind, let alone a relationship with one. But now I’m sad. I don’t want our friendship to end, I even more don’t want the infatuation to end, and damnit, I maybe even want a man! Reality is setting in… it’s been forever since I’ve been kissed, and may even be a lifetime till it happens again. And for others it may not be important, but for me, that’s a bit of a worry. I think above all our friendship has had an intimacy (even over the phone) I’m not getting anywhere else, and to see the possible end of that is freaking me out. Back to square one.
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